My Life Is A Hot Mess, But It's Okay. Here's Why...

It's been a while since I've updated here. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I haven't had the time or energy to get on here. My life is hectic right now! Between the constant struggle to build my personal brand, volunteering for the local Bernie Sanders campaign office, doing the photographer thing, and finding ways to make money in between all that and trying to find a steady job, there is a lot going on! The good news is, I haven't been as optimistic about my future like I am now in quite some time.

It's been three long months since I became unemployed. I've learned a lot in the time, not only about how to survive with no money, but also a lot about myself. Although I am actively looking for a full-time job, (or even part-time at this point,) I'm not someone who should be tied down. Ever.

Within the last three months, I've really reflected on my life and have come to the conclusion that I cannot stand working for people...no matter how much I've loved the majority of my past managers/supervisors. It's not them at all but the notion of not having control of the way I make a living, if that makes sense. Yes, I need a job to survive, (and to be able to get gifts for everyone for Christmas,) but what if I really don't? What if the system is just there to drag me deeper in to a hole I'll never be able to escape from? Being tied down in the past has hindered ever single one of my dreams. Why should I go back to that life just for money?

I've been heavily praised by 98% of my past supervisors/managers. I'm a damn good worker, and that's not cockiness; that's what they've all told me. Because of the consistent praise, I have honestly never been worried about losing my previous jobs. That has created a sense of stability that I've never had the balls to escape from. Steady income means the bills are getting paid, and the bills getting paid means happiness...right? Well, not exactly.

You see, what this stability created was a sense of longing and the mindset that I was doing the same thing day in and day out (probably because I was, let's be honest.) Sure, the bills were getting paid on time or even early, but I was miserable. I was prescribed antidepressants in April after my mental health had been declining over the course of prior months. I hated my job, but the day I was prescribed anti-depressants was the same day I started at The Common Man. Funny how life works out, right? I was terrified of starting a new job having had the temperament I did, and the same day, I was prescribed the miracle drug that would end my anger fueled rampages. Well, let's just say life's not that simple.

Having been on the medication for a while and being away from the toxic work environment that was Dunkin Donuts, I was really starting to see a difference in my mentality. I was happy again, however, that lasted all of two seconds as I gradually started hating my new job, (if I'm really telling you the truth.) I'm terrible with face-to-face engagement, so my failure as a server was my own damn fault for accepting that position anyway even though I applied to be a host. Anyway, my depression came back, and it came back harder than it should have for being drugged up. So, I went back to my doctor, and she increased my dosage by 100mg per day. Same thing happened on the new dosage, too; happy for a while, then downward spiral.

There's a reason I'm rehashing all this, I promise. Basically, I've been taking 300mg of bupropion (generic Wellbutrin) for over three months now (I think...?) As you all know, because I stated it at the beginning of this post, I became unemployed three months ago. Had I not been on that higher dosage at the time of my departure from The Common Man, I would have lost my shit. Again, there's a reason behind all of this. We're getting there, we are getting there...

I'm someone who believes that (almost) everything happens for a reason, not in a spiritual way, but just sort of in an optimistic kind of way. My depression got worse again, I was put on a higher dosage of antidepressants, I became unemployed, but I didn't lose my shit because I had the higher dosage. When my manger and I had collectively agreed that having me do more training would be a waste of time, I told her how maybe leaving would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. Three months later, an increase in depression and sleepless nights, plenty of financial difficulties, and an ever plentiful nagging from everyone in my life, I still wholeheartedly believe it was the best decision. My friends left, my manager left, and the place is going to hell. I would still be there, even more miserable than I was before, had we not collectively cut the cord in July. Everything happens for a reason, and that's not even the best thing to come from my departure.

As I mentioned above, I have learned a great deal about myself in the last three months. I am absolutely LOVING what I am doing right now between being an active social media manager (in terms of building my personal brand,) being a proud business owner (my freelance photography career is picking up some,) and working on my dream of writing and publishing a book. In the last three months, I have had three works published online, two of which were for FTM Magazine. One of my dreams has been to make it in to FTM Magazine one day, and that may be close to happening, as long as I can produce some great content, (or make a name for myself; whichever comes first.) I am so happy that I can't stand it, yet my mental health is still quite low. How can this be? Let's go back to that money thing for a minute...

My wife is bringing home 95% of the bacon right now. My income is coming from working online and my photography. I actually feel guilty for following my dreams because it's having a negative effect on my wife. We're both stressed about bills and how to come up with the money to pay them, but I know deep down she loves how passionate I am about my dreams. She's told me before that one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because of the amount of passion I put in to the things I love. As much as I'm self-destructive on a regular basis over the stress I'm causing, I will not let myself give up.

Ready for full honesty time? No? Too bad. Here it is: I never want to have to answer to anyone else ever again. I don't want to be on the same monotonous schedule everyday. I don't want to deal with coworkers who are assholes or idiots...or company higher-ups for that matter. I don't want to deal with the pain and agony that comes with working for someone else, making THEM money at the expense of my mental health. I JUST want to make money. HUGE difference. I can honestly say that I believe I CAN make money writing a book, speaking, being a photographer, and living my full dream of being a transgender activist. As much as I need money, I also need to be happy. I can't tell you the last time I was truly happy...I mean truly at least 98% of the time happy. It was probably before puberty. The saddest people smile the biggest, right? I was complimented on my smile constantly before true depression set in when I got to college even though I've been miserable for the majority of my life since the age of 11. It's time to get my life of a positive track!

November is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month for those who aren't up to date on acronyms. Although I am not writing a novel, rather an autobiographical memoir (confusing, I know,) I'll be using the month and the site for two main reasons: a) I need money, and selling nonfiction works. If I can get a book written by December 1, (that sells well,) I might never have to work again, if all goes better than expected. b) The site can help me track my progress which is a great motivator. The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. For me, since I'm not qualified to submit for the prize, I'm not focused on the word count but rather the time frame. The sooner the better as I really don't want to go back to working for someone else. As the guy in the Geico commercial says, "I'm a loner, and a loner's gotta be alone." I'm an independent worker, and I've gotta spread my wings and fly! Alright, all corniness aside, this makes sense, right?

Aside from that, I'm hoping to continue doing the photography thing. I'm hoping to get some speaking engagements, possibly in putting on a political rally or even planning or participating in a TDOR (Transgender Day of Remembrance) event. I'll continue working on my personal brand online. I'm going to keep volunteering for the Bernie Sanders campaign. I feel REALLY good about where my life is headed. I really do. I think I've even figured out what I want to go to graduate school for, (Political Science.)

Sometimes I catch myself thinking completely about something I love with no thoughts of our financial woes. Those moments are magical, and I just want every minute of every day to feel like that. I know I can make that happen...

Somehow I Became An Author

Life at the moment is a huge struggle. My wife and I are quite literally out of money to pay the bills. We have well over $1,000 worth of bills coming up in the next two-three weeks and about $100 to our name. Awesome, right? The worst part is, I'm still striking out when it comes to finding a job. So, I'm trying something a little different.

If you've been reading my posts from the beginning, you know that one of the reasons I started this blog was to work on my writing skills in preparation of writing my book. Initially, I wasn't expecting that to become a reality any time soon, but within the the last week or so, I've put together a basis for an entire marketing strategy to sell this book that doesn't even exist yet. I'm at a point where this is what I want to do...full-time. Of we all know the probably is, this isn't going to help us pay the bills in the least. So right now I'm feeling really anxious and nervous about what the next two-plus weeks hold. 

To try and gain some more income (outside of Rev.com and TextBroker,) I've signed up for Fiverr and figured out how to reinstate my AdSense account on YouTube, but again, it's not much. However, with Fiverr, I sold an article to a website called Meaws.com, and it was published today. The good news is, if it does well (in terms of shares, likes, etc.) they might take me on as a regular paid contributor! So I'm really holding out for that because anything that has to do with writing is exactly what I want to do.

The one other thing I'm doing is working on a Kindle book (which I may also have printed.) It's not as personal or "exciting" as the big book I'm working on, but my hope is that it sells enough where I have a steady stream of passive income coming in. All I've been doing lately is writing, which has actually hurt my YouTube career (which I need to get back to ASAP!) But, writing has been really good for me. 

As stressed out as I am about the money, and believe me it's a really bad amount of stress, nothing makes me happier than spending my days writing and marketing myself online. I've created a new author-focused website and Tumblr profile, I've update my Facebook page, Twitter profile, and YouTube channel, and basically I've been coming up with ways to get people excited about this book so it will sell better when it comes out...and it's been really fun!

So to say the least, this is a make or break time for me and my wife. I either bring in enough money to help get these bills paid doing what I'm doing now, or I don't and things start going downhill real fast. The third option is getting a job (which I am trying to find) and settle, which will yet again put my dreams on hold. The first option is the only one that will make me happy, but something tells me it's just not going to work out, and I really don't know what to do...

World Suicide Prevention Day: We Need To Talk!

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Every September since 2012, I have marked National Suicide Prevention Month in some way. A lot of this stemmed from doing multiple presentations the year prior regarding suicide and bullying. One date that is forever lodged in my brain is September 18, 2011; the day 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer took his own life due to constant bullying at school. Whether or not I was sheltered to the teen suicide epidemic prior to this one teen's death or his death sparked the national outrage is still unknown to me. What I do know is that suicide prevention is VERY important to me and Jamey's death really pushed me over the edge in trying to combat it.

During the second half of my sophomore year of college (a handful of months after Jamey's death,) I started the campaign, End Hate: Educate! to help raise awareness of the issues of bullying and how all too often it leads to suicide. Since then, I can't tell you how many heartbreaking stories I've heard on the news, the most recent being of transgender teens Leelah Alcorn, Sam Taub, and Blake Brockington, Brockington of whom just a year prior to his death was crowned prom king, the first transgender prom king in North Carolina. 

These stories are painful and they need to stop. I created End Hate to help save children and teens, but just a few months later, something happened that made me realize that it's not just about children and teens; adults commit suicide too but it's not covered in the news nearly as often. By covering the suicides of children and teens, the media is sending a message that it's not tragic when an adult takes their own life. 

If you're an adult reading this post and you've ever considered suicide, 

I want you to know that you matter too! 

You are loved and you are important! 

Please, never give up on your life. 

It's the only one you get!

If the following statistics don't break your heart, there's something wrong...

Suicide in the United States

• Each year, 34,598 people die by suicide, an average of 94 completed suicides every day.
• More people die by suicide (34,598) than by homicide (18,361) in the United States.

Suicide Attempt and Ideation in the United States

• Every year, 864,950 people attempt suicide, which means 1 person attempts suicide every 38 seconds.
• More than 395,000 people are treated in emergency rooms every year for self-inflicted injuries.
• It is estimated that 3.7% of the U.S. population (8.3 million people) had thoughts of suicide in the past year, with 1.0% of the population (2.3 million people) developing a suicide plan and 0.5% (1 million people) attempting suicide.

Depression and Suicide

• Depression is a common mental health disorder, with the 18.8 million Americans suffering from depression every year. In addition to being common, depression is a risk factor for suicide.
• Two-thirds of people that die by suicide are depressed at the time of their death.
• Among those that have major depression, the risk of death by suicide is 20 times greater than those that are not depressed.
• Treatment for depression is very effective; however, less than 25 percent of people with depression receive adequate care.
• Unwillingness to seek help is another risk factor for suicide.

Source: Copied from Emory University

Every year nearly 900,000 attempt suicide. NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE! Just let that sink in for a minute. That's over 200,000 more people than the population of Boston, MA. That is utterly heartbreaking. The worst part is, this can be prevented!

The number one cause of suicide is untreated depression.

As someone who has suffered from depression for years, I know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless. Now, luckily for me, (although it's a win/lose kind of deal,) I've had a lifelong fear of death which has prevented having any suicidal thoughts. The reason I'm telling you this is because it's important to note that not everyone suffering from depression is suicidal, and vice versa. Only 2/3 of people who commit suicide are depressed at the time of their death. 

It's important to break down these statistics and start having discussions on mental health because only then can the issue of suicide be stopped. As stated above, less than 25% of people with depression receive adequate care. We NEED an overhaul of our mental health practices in this country as well as implement easier access to those in need. With the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, there are NO reasons why seeking help from a mental health professional shouldn't be considered preventative and covered fully under all insurance plans. If pap smears, prostate exams, and breast cancers screenings are preventative in the sense that they check for cancers, going to therapy should be preventive on the basis that it can prevent suicide. 

Aside from not being able to access care, there's strong stigma attached to mental health which is why so many people never seek treatment. So now the question is:    

How can we challenge stigma?

• learn and share the facts about mental health and illness
• get to know people with personal experiences of mental illness
• speak up in protest when friends, family, colleagues or the media display false beliefs and negative stereotypes
• offer the same support to people when they are physically or mentally unwell
• don't label or judge people with a mental illness, treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else
• don’t discriminate when it comes to participation, housing and employment
• talk openly of your own experience of mental illness. The more hidden mental illness remains, the more people continue to believe that it is shameful and needs to be concealed.

 Source: Copied from Western Australia Mental Health Commission

I am not ashamed of my depression. I am not ashamed to say that I've been in therapy. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm taking antidepressants. 

The more people that come out and talk about what dealing with a mental illness is really like, the more understanding there will be in the world. The more understanding, the less stigma, a shrinking in the number of suicides. Yes, I suffer from depression. No, that doesn't mean I can't smile, laugh, and have fun. It simply just makes it harder. For those who know me, you might think there's no way I can be depressed because of what you see online. There's a reason I tend to only post positive life statuses online. I don't want that negativity around forever. I did that enough four years ago when I first started dealing with depression, and I see it every time I look at Timehop. But what goes on behind the scenes of what is seen is really hard to deal with. I get sad for no reason, I get angry and frustrated for no reason, I lack emotion to the point where my wife is trying to be cute and cuddly, and all I'm thinking is, "not now..." I love her so much and it kills me that there are times like this that I have no control over. But I'm not just some sad sack. Depression kills because of stigma. 

Suicide prevention is so important to me. I almost lost the love of my life three years ago. She wasn't lying in her wedding vows when she said I saved her life once. It was the scariest day of my life, and it haunts me to this day. We both suffer from PTSD because of it, and it's so hard to talk about which is why I never go in to details. But just because someone isn't suicidal themselves, doesn't mean they haven't been impacted by the weight of suicide through someone else's suffering. 

I will never be able to forget that day. It was the worst day of my life and every time I write something about it, I just freeze up and have to take short breaks before I can finish writing. Prior to that day, I believe during our sophomore year of college, I gave her a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline card that she keeps in her wallet to this day. Anyone can make that one simple but lifesaving move to save someone who is suicidal. Share posts online highlighting the number. Make sure to remind those suffering with mental illness that they're not alone. Reach out and talk to anyone who needs it. 

Being transgender and having joined several online communities, people post all the time about wanting to end their lives, but we band together and make sure there is always someone available to help those guys. Transgender individuals have the highest rate of suicide out of any other group in the world at 41%. It's not because us being trans is a mental illness, but rather because of the lack of acceptance and again that same stigma that getting help makes you weak or unworthy. 

At the end of the month I will be participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk to raise money for research, education, and prevention initiatives to help shrink the heartbreaking number of people who believe there is nothing here for them. If you have the means, please consider donating to our team by clicking here. All donations are tax deductible and will really help in aiding these prevention programs.

If you or someone you love is suffering from suicidal thoughts, consider printing out the wallet card by clicking this link. It saved my wife's life and it can save many more. 

Cards can also be ordered for FREE here.

For immediate help (US,) please call 

1 (800) 273-8255

The line is open 24/7 and is available in English and Spanish

Positive Life Changes

Today is September 6th. It has been 40 days since I've worked for someone else. These past 5+ weeks have been quite the adventure, to say the least. I spent the first week on my honeymoon and then the next couple weeks filling out job applications. Soon after that, something happened. Something inside of me just said to calm down and take at look at the opportunity within the madness. So, I did.

For the past two weeks, I have been working part time online as an independent contractor for Rev captioning videos as well as taking on some freelance writing jobs through the site Text Broker. Due to working at home, I was able to take some time to really focus on gathering information for my book as well as concentrating on expanding my photography business. I also recently hit my one year on testosterone which meant working on my documentary as well which I have released on my YouTube channel (yes, that was a shameless plug, but check it out!) These things are what I really enjoy doing, and through doing them, not only have I felt more in control of my life, but my depression has become less crippling which has been so great.

Aside from taking control of certain aspects of my life such as these, I have also made some improvements or have taken steps to improve my overall health. I won't go into any specifics, but so far everything is going well. Just an example of one thing I'm doing is going to physical therapy regularly to hopefully end my neck and back issues that I've had for years. Working from home gives me the flexibility I need to make appointments and get stuff done.

The one downside to all of this is the pay, BUT the good news is my wife started her new job two weeks ago and her pay is more than we could have imagined. We're not sure how, but we're not complaining! Now, I do hate relying on her to pay the bills, but that is a part of marriage, and it's not like I'm making nothing. I am making something. It's just mentally and emotionally messing me up a bit, but eventually I'll be making more and we'll be back to sharing everything 50/50.

There are some drawbacks to the current situation, but overall I am 10x times happier than I was working for someone else. I set my own schedule, I have time to do the things I love, I see my wife everyday for more than five minutes at a time. and I have time to watch my favorite shows, read my favorite books, and really just relax. I think becoming unexpectedly unemployed has really become something really positive which is something I was hoping for with all of this.

There Are Actually Some Legitimate Ways to Make Money Online

If you have been keeping up with my posts, you've read about how I've always wanted to work from home. I'm socially awkward which makes it very anxiety provoking to deal with people (usually customers rather than co-workers just for clarification.) Because of this, and my love of working on the computer, I have been heavily seeking out legitimate ways to make money from home, online. So far I have come up with three main sites that I plan on making an income off of.

The first site is TextBroker. TextBroker is a straight up freelance writing site where you take on as much or as little work as you would like. Clients post their needs on the site with a specific definition of what needs to be written, the preferred length in number of words, and any key words that must be used in the article. So far, just to try it out, I've completed three assignments. I have earned $8.41 for a little less than an hours worth of work (which equates higher than the national and NH's minimum wage of $7.25/hr!) One of the three assignments was just coming up with a slogan for a website. It took me all of 15 minutes to check out the website and come up with something, and it was accepted. That one only garnered me about $0.20, but the pay rate is set at a certain price per word (usually a few cents.)

The second site is Amazon's Mechanical Turk. This site offers HITs (human intelligence tasks) which can be anything from surveys to being a secret telephone shopper. The pay isn't great, but I've made $11.96 so far and still have one pending HIT that needs to be approved or rejected. The clients for the HITS approve or reject your hit, but the approval rate is pretty high. I have had 1 out of 16 HITs rejected, and it was because I took their survey "too fast." The money can be withdrawn to PayPal 10 days after completing your first HIT. This site is better as something to do to pass time rather than a full time job, but you can make some money none the less. The trick for me has been to ignore anything under $0.50 as it will most likely be a waste of time (like some pay $0.01. I'm not wasting my time for a penny.) When I was really bored, and there were no HITs $0.50 or higher that I qualified for, I took on a $0.40 and a $0.33. It's really all up to you.

The third site, and the one that is so far the most fun, is Rev. For Rev you can apply to be a translator, transcriptionist, or a video captioner. I signed up to do video captioning as it seemed like a really fun task. I have completed my base application, which includes a test video that's under 2 minutes long you have to caption. Since I "passed" my first caption test, I now have two more videos to caption before I can start getting paid. There has been a bit of a setback today though. I went on to complete my second test video, and Quill, the sight Rev directs and uses for their caption software, had no record of my account. I was confused but decided to try and create an account with all the same credentials. Some text popped up saying that there was already an active account with that username. So I emailed them and am waiting for a response. I need to have the videos completed by midnight tomorrow, so I am a bit worried at the moment. This job would be a lot of fun though, has steady pay (every Monday right to PayPal,) and does provide the opportunity to grow a little bit and become a grader. There have been very mixed reviews for the site, but I figure there's nothing to lose trying.

There are also a few other sites I've tried out. ProductReportCard is a survey site where you can make $8.25 just for signing up and completing your profile. The only problem is there has only been one survey available so far. It was worth $2.50 though so I'm up to $10.75. You can cash out right to PayPal when you hit $25.

MintVine is another survey site. I'm still not 100% sure how it works, but you get points for your surveys that can then be turned in for rewards. Be careful though as some of the points from Points Place will not post to the account (I've been shorted 140.) You're better off taking the regular surveys. 

With all these options, I should be able to make a pretty decent income from home, one that should actually be able to help pay the bills! With Rev alone you can make anywhere from $250/month to well over $1,500/month which equates to roughly $8.30/hr working 40 hours a week. My goal is to be able to spend more time with my wife, start really working on my book, and just be less stressed. My prospects are good. Now I just wait to see if everything pulls through.

Our Last Shred Of Fun For A While: Our Honeymoon

Last week my wife and I finally went on our much anticipated honeymoon. With the job loss, it was a little more stressful than I wanted it to be, but we had fun. The hardest part was feeling guilty sharing what we went out and did the whole time because of the job loss. All the "maybe you shouldn't be going out all the time if you don't have any money" business got real old. What everyone doesn't understand is that last week was paid for and was possible because of wedding gifts. It was 100% paid for before I lost my job. We didn't use anything from our bank accounts. It was all gifts! Are we not allowed to have fun? I just wish people would stop judging others when they don't know the whole story...

Anyway, our trip started late on Sunday (August 2) after my softball game. Our first leg of the trip was in Connecticut. We stayed with my wife's grandfather (because despite what everyone believes, we are money conscious...) On Monday we went to New York City which was a surreal experience for me! It was my first time, and I enjoyed it a lot. I never thought I would ever make it to NYC with my anxiety. As a photographer though it was overwhelming. I felt as though I was missing a lot of photo opportunities. The best part was Madame Tussauds! We took a train from CT right into Grand Central Station (which was surreal in itself since it's in like every movie.) I remembered to get a real NY bagel too (which definitely lived up to the hype!) 

After our time in CT we headed to Hampton Beach which is where I proposed two years ago. It's one of our favorite spots, but after the past few days I think we both agree that it's a place that is better with more people. It was also too cold to actually go swimming in the ocean which made that leg of the trip a bit of a bummer (but what are you gonna do?) We went and sat on the beach twice and took a few strolls down at the water. We ate a lot of good food and discovered a lot of new places that we didn't know about the last time we were there which was cool. And of course we spent a lot of time at Coffee Cann which has the best coffee ever! It's Green Mountain Coffee but it's the only place we've ever seen Brownie Toffee Crunch! 

To round out our honeymoon we went to see Andy Grammer and American Authors at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom (the tickets of which I got for my birthday, and actually ended up being the entire reason we spent part of our honeymoon in Hampton.) It was an awesome concert! We got pictures with Andy's guitarist and bassist and also with Zac (lead singer) and Dave (bassist) of American Authors which was super cool! We just missed Andy after the concert though. My wife also found one of the guitar picks that American Authors threw at the end of the concert on the floor after the majority of the people cleared out, so that was our souvenir. 

So overall it was a fun week, but now we're home and I am in full "job search" mode which is really getting me down. The bills aren't going to be able to be paid with just my wife's income which is why I set up a GoFundMe page. I also have my unemployment orientation coming up. I haven't heard yet whether or not I qualify for unemployment benefits, but I really hope I do! I don't monetarily qualify for anything close to what I was making before, but it will definitely help! So if I'm not around the Blogger world for a while it's because I'm hardcore job searching and working on ways to make money. 

Taking A Hard Situation And Finding Some Positivity

The other day something unexpected happened. I was sat down and told that my job performance just wasn't what it needed to be and that I could either:

1. Go through training again.
2. Interview next door.
3. Leave the company

As unexpected as this was, I did know that I wasn't the best server in the world. I just don't have the confidence and personality for it (although drunk me would probably excel greatly!) I thought about my options for the last 48 hours, and decided that this could be the opportunity I've needed to get out there and start my career. However, this still puts me in a tough spot and poses the obvious question, how am I going to pay the bills while trying to find a job in my career field?

I could have gone through training again, but training isn't going to fix my anxiety and confidence issues. I could have interviewed next door, but when I really thought about it, I didn't want to be trapped again. I have a very bad habit of taking jobs purely because I need a steady income to live. Since there's steady money coming in, I just lose all ambition to look for a job that actually requires my degree. As much as I love the place, I didn't want to do that to myself again. So, with a heavy heart, I chose the third options of leaving the company.

The good news is that there are no bad feelings between me and anyone there, including management. I just wasn't cut out for serving tables, but now I don't have a job or money to pay the bills.

I panicked and went to the unemployment office to see what my options were. I was told to file for unemployment although due to the circumstances, I doubt I will be approved. None the less, I am keeping close track of everywhere I have applied for work, and I have an orientation meeting to go over everything on August 13. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Since I am expecting to be denied, I did create a GoFundMe account with a goal of $1,000 which should be enough to hold me over until I find work again. It is really hard for me to ask for help, but I swallowed my pride and set up the campaign. I am hoping there are people out there willing to help us out, because my wife can't pay the bills alone.

The most positive aspect of all of this is that it has given me time to think about what I want in like. I stopped thinking about what would help me out now (which would be to apply to any open position anywhere,) and started thinking about what would benefit me in the long run, (applying to open positions within my intended career field.) It has also motivated the crap out of me! Just in the last 48 hours I have applied to 3 positions in my intended career field, reached out to people and created a master reference list, cleaned up my online presence (which wasn't really bad,) updated my LinkedIn profile, and updated my resume. That is more than I have done to try and find a job in my entire life (in such a short amount of time.) So all in all, this could turn out to be exactly what I needed to kick myself into gear. As stressed as I am about paying the bills, I'm proud of everything I have done within the last two days. 

It's hard struggling with depression and then losing your job, but for some reason, I have been more optimistic in the last 48 hours than I have since we graduated college, and I think that says a lot about how I'm turning this into something positive (even though I'm screaming internally about how I'm going to pay all these bills...)

Thoughts On I Am Cait: Perspective From A 23 Year Old Trans Guy

This summer has given us a plethora of transgender focused television spots. From having a regular transgender character on The Fosters show his chest post top surgery, to Transparent being renewed for a third season. We have Laverne Cox killing it on Orange Is The New Black which this summer delved into some pretty hardcore material regarding Cox's character, Sophia. We've seen Big Brother's first transgender contestant, Audrey Middleton, in the show's seventeenth season! There is also the web series Brothers which just started it's second season. But then we get to the big named reality shows focused solely on transgender individuals; Becoming Us, I Am Jazz, and now I Am Cait to round out the summer of transgender television.

In a previous post, I opened up about my feelings on I Am Jazz (and subsequently Becoming Us,) and how I was hoping I Am Cait would blow them both out of the water. I watched the premiere. It did just that.

Unlike Becoming Us and I Am Jazz, I Am Cait is wholeheartedly genuine. Even though all three shows are supposedly unscripted, I Am Cait is the only one where there isn't any sense of overacting, trying to hard, or holding back feelings just for the camera's sake. When the show cuts to a seated interview with family and friends, the words are coming from the heart. With the other shows, you get a sense like they just don't want to talk about some of the topics that come up. And can we take a moment to talk about Caitlyn's mom? What a precious human being!

Esther Jenner gets mom of the year award. She is nearing 90 years old but is one of the most accepting human beings I've seen at her age. Sure she has trouble with Caitlyn's name and pronouns, but she is trying and that truly is all that matters. Her love for her child is very evident, and I think that is absolutely important to showcase in a time when transgender teens are being kicked out and abused by their parents just for being themselves. And of all people who made appearances in the first episode, Kanye was who surprised me most. We've already heard that it was Kanye who brought Kim around when Caitlyn first came out, but I was truly surprised at what he had to say. For being such a self centered narcissist in the public eye, it was truly something special to see him embrace Caitlyn for who she is. Maybe I'll start cutting the guy some slack.

If not for everything I've already mentioned, the one thing that makes this show outrank the other trans reality shows this summer is the fact that it's not all about Caitlyn. Becoming Us is all about Ben (not even Carly.) I Am Jazz is all about Jazz, (which at least is the point.) But I Am Cait took a lot of the focus off Caitlyn and put it on highlighting the astronomically high 41% suicide rate for transgender individuals, the immense amount of violence directed at transgender women of color, lack of acceptance by family and friends, etc. AND these things were mentioned more than once at that! The other two shows haven't even touched the subjects. They are 100% about ratings and money rather than dissemination of information that could actually benefit the transgender community, and that is what sets I Am Cait apart.

I am 23 years old. I never lived through the experience of having Jenner be the world's greatest athlete. So for me, this is the most important thing she has ever done. To be honest though, even if I had been alive then, I think this still would be her greatest accomplishment because she is changing lives. Sure winning a gold medal for team USA during wars times is an honorable feat and brought pride to this nation, but what did it accomplish other than that? She is accomplishing more now than she ever has before. She truly is changing lives and saving lives. Her mother even said she is more proud now than she ever has been of Caitlyn before.

Her show is raw, completely unscripted, honest, incorporates statistics and information pertaining to the transgender community, and above all, it's not for money. Caitlyn Jenner is not putting on an act just for money. She received no compensation for the Vanity Fair piece, and although I don't know the logistics of I Am Cait, I would be willing to bet she's not making this show for the money either. If you're only able to watch one show about trans folk this summer, make I Am Cait your priority. You won't regret it!

And although looks don't matter in the least, I have to say that Caitlyn is absolutely stunning in everything she's doing. You go girl!

When A Concert Becomes More Than Just A Concert

Last night, (Saturday July 25,) my wife and I went to see Taylor Swift in Foxborough, MA. She got me the tickets for Christmas, and I had been more than excited to go ever since (best Christmas gift EVER!) I didn't really have any expectations before we got there, so I had a pretty open mind. It was my first major concert, having a sold out crowd of 60,000 at Gillette Stadium (the largest one I had been to prior was Luke Bryan.) There were a few down moments though. 

The first was that my phone died on the way down to the stadium because we had been using the GPS (it had been plugged in the whole time too, just lost more power than it was gaining.) We were a little early, so we sat in the car trying to get a charge going since it was what I had to take pictures with. It wasn't doing anything, so I looked to see if Gillette had any cell phone charging stations. The website said there were some. I was really excited about this! We decided to head to the stadium and plug it in there. Come to find out, there weren't any. There had been, but there aren't anymore. So that was a huge downer since my phone takes really good photos!

Another down moment was that our seats were so high up (and at such a steep incline) that we couldn't sit there. We both have a problem with heights, and it was terrifying! So we ended up standing the entire time on the first level, but hey no worries. There was more room for dancing. The biggest problem was the end after they set off fireworks. With a down wind, the entire stadium filled up with spoke almost instantly. We couldn't see what she was doing for almost 5 minutes, not to mention breathing it in was awful, but I guess it makes for an entertaining story right? 

The openers were Shawn Mendes, Vance Joy, and HAIM (which we have apparently been pronouncing wrong this whole time.) They were all great, but HAIM killed it! They were amazing, and I was so happy when they played my favorite song (which they recorded with Calvin Harris) Pray To God! So good! And then after they were finished killing it up there, it was Taylor's turn.

The entertainment factor alone was enough for this concert to be the best one I had ever been to. She is brilliant on stage, not to mention bringing surprise guests each night of her tour. Our surprise was MKTO performing Classic! But, between the entertainment and her sheer perfection, she decided to take a moment and get real.

Before performing Clean, she took about five minutes to just talk about life. She talked about how we have all gone through something or are going through something currently that we have fought through or are fighting through. She talked to all 60,000 of us about how much of an honor it is when fans tell her her music has helped them get through difficult times in life. She applauded those who have battled addiction but have fought and fought to not go back to whatever their addiction might have been. She knew that there were people in the crowd who may just struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, but she was proud of us because we had done it yesterday. We were there. She talked about how we've all lost someone or have had a friendship end, and we never thought we would have to say goodbye to that person, and so much more.

It was intense and it really hit home. With everything I have been going through lately, it truly is hard to get out of bed in the morning. There were tears forming while she was talking about this. Her music has helped me get through the early stages of my physical transition. The line, "cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me," from New Romantics got me through a lot. I am still trying to figure out a tattoo with or inspired by the lyrics because it means so much. Being trans, you get those bricks thrown at you constantly. 

Her concert was so much more than just a concert. In a crowd of 60,000, I felt like she was talking to me individually. Although while we're on that note, the crowd was incredible! With her specially synced bracelets given to everyone in the crowd, we felt as one entity. She even said it herself; "What makes this tour so special is that I can see each and every one of you, and if you don't think I can, you are all lit up individually, and there is nothing more magical."

She is one hell of a human being and performer, and that isn't in the least bit biased. None of this is. I've been to several other concerts, none of which the artists have been this engaged with their fans. She is honestly a decent human being, and she really cares about her fans. The concert was incredible! Say what you will about her, but she will always have my respect! 

After Four Years, We Finally Have A Diagnosis

Four years ago I was 19 years old, working at a beach for the summer, and in the second stint of my relationship with my (now) wife (took three tries but we got it!) But, I was also suffering with an unexplained condition. I would get light headed very easily.

My blood pressure has always been fine, so my doctor at the time did some blood work. The results came back essentially normal, although my blood cell counts were in the lower portion of the ideal range. She said I was borderline anemic, but never gave any diagnosis. I was told to get some more protein in my diet, although I had been eating a lot of steak that summer already. Nothing seemed to change.

The following three years, I had two other doctors; the one I have now, and one woman I saw once in 2014. It was hard to settle down and talk about my issues with my docs changing yearly, so I turned to the Internet like I often do, (I still brought it up every time I saw a doctor though.) The one thing that made sense was that I had a nervous system issue. The majority of the symptoms were present, so I just assumed that was my problem. I started taking vitamin B-12 daily as it benefits the nervous system, and although it seemed to help a little, it never went away. Fast forward to about three weeks ago, and it started getting really bad and came with headaches too.

One particular Saturday at work it was so bad that I was even getting dizzy sitting down. I just wanted to go home, lay down, and close my eyes. After that day, I decided that I had had enough and that I wanted to get an appointment with someone. The problem was, I thought I may have a spine issue causing this because of other symptoms, but it turns out that wasn't the case. I do have spinal issues, but the lightheadedness and dizziness weren't connected. So, my doctor did some blood work, and today I got the results...

...my ferritin levels are very low. In other words, the simple cause of my issues is iron deficiency.

Four years it took to get diagnosed with something that simple. All I need to do now is take iron pills twice a day. Four long years of being on the verge of passing out, and a simple OTC will solve all my problems. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not a little irritated...

As I mentioned I also have spine issues. My posture is terrible and my doctor believes that is what's causing the other symptoms (which were getting bad headaches when laying on my back and getting really nauseous because of them.) So I start physical therapy August 10th. With the iron deficiency diagnosis and my starting physical therapy, I should be golden within a few months.

Now to just figure out how to deal with my chronic procrastination...(yes that's a real thing. Google it.)

Sometimes I'm *insert emotion here* For Absolutely No Reason...

There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...

I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)

The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until  about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.

I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")

Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.

I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.

I Am Jazz: Thoughts From A 23 Year Old Trans Guy

Since I Am Jazz premiered almost a week ago, I have been asked a few times what my thoughts on it are. I didn't watch it until this past Saturday (four days after the premier, we don't get TLC,) and to be honest, I wasn't all that impressed. I personally felt as though the tone of it felt very insincere and almost scripted. There were also a lot of things talked about that I just cringed at. For example, there was a ridiculous amount of talk about boys and basically how they will "never see past" the fact that she is transgender, which really bothers me.

First of all, yes teenage boys can be ridiculous, but I would be willing to bet that not every single one of them will brush her aside because of her gender identity. I myself know of plenty of high school aged kids who identify as pansexual or who generally speaking see the person rather than the gender. I think putting that type of talk on a national show regarding transgender teens can be quite damaging. Transgender people aren't barred from finding love, and teens watching that show don't need to think that they are. There are people out there who don't give a damn whether a person is transgender so long as they're a decent human being.

Now with that said, there has only been one episode. My hope is that the tone will move away from the negative aspects of being transgender and more towards how amazingly liberating it is to come out and show the world your true self, especially at her age. Her family seems great, but again it's hard to form a true opinion when everything seems so scripted. Her siblings are incredible though, no matter how scripted everything seemed; her brothers especially. My favorite part was when they said they were going to interview any guy who Jazz ended up dating. That was adorable!

If I had to give the show a rating from 1-10, I would probably give it a 6; a little better than being half way decent, but not by much. Now, am I surprised by the way it turned out? To be honest, no. I mean it is TLC, the same channel that produced the likes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and 19 Kids and Counting (which thankfully have both been cancelled!) Given everything else that's on at the moment, I would say your best bet would be to watch Becoming Us on ABC Family. It is a much more sincere show, although it does have its negatives also (although it's mostly just Suzy.) Hell, I even think Orange is the New Black portrays what it's like to be transgender slightly better than either reality show, which is sad to be honest, (although maybe not that sad since Laverne Cox is transgender herself.)

I do think I Am Jazz has potential, and I'm not discrediting it at all. I think it's very important to get stories about young transgender individuals out there regardless of how poorly they're developed (in terms of how the story comes across.) Just having her be on TV is another step in the right direction towards transgender liberation in this country. For me, I'm holding out for I Am Cait (the similar titles kind of bug me though.) I love the way Caitlyn Jenner talks about everything she's gone through and is going through. Her interview with Diane Sawyer was beautiful, and her speech at the ESPYs was just incredible and made me that much more proud to be part of the transgender community. She has the potential to be a very powerful woman in the trans* rights movement, and the best part is, she knows it. I'm holding her show to a higher standard because of that. 

Whether or not I Am Jazz gets better, I don't think it'll do much to harm, if any, to the movement if it stays at its current tone. I'll report back if my thoughts on the show change after future episodes, but as for now, I'll leave you with this:

Jazz is a strong young girl who IS making a difference. I wish her all the best with everything she does. I personally just wish some other network had picked up her show before TLC got their hands on it.

Have to Start Somewhere, Right?

For years I have been wanting to write a book. It started off simple with the hopes of writing a children's book, then grew into something much more. I've always loved writing, except for school essays, but I think even the most dedicated writer's could agree on that one. An 8-10 page paper on the functions of the central nervous system isn't the most interesting material in the world, but with that being said, everything I've ever written has helped me get to where I am today. Before college, I was never the strongest writer. To be honest, getting in to heated US history fueled comment wars on Facebook actually kicked off the start of my writing skills improving. No one wants to be in a heated debate (with great facts and knowledge) and have their comments be poorly written (because then the Internet trolls comment with the ever so predictable, "come back when you know basic grammar/how to spell!") Although while we're talking about spelling, I should tell you that it's no secret that I am not the best at it. Editing tools like Grammarly are my friends, even though I ended up having to delete the Grammarly extension from Chrome due to poor performance.

Now you're probably wondering where this blog comes in to play. Well, I have a new dream. However for those who don't know me, I should give you a little bio before I proceed. To start off, I'm Joshua, a 23 year old transgender man from New Hampshire. You can call me Josh or Joshua. It doesn't matter to me at all. I have a Bachelor's degree in Communication from Southern New Hampshire University, a beautiful, loving, and supportive wife, two just over one year old cats, a job, a roof over my head, food everyday, but I also suffer from depression. In recent months it has gotten to the point where I started taking antidepressants, something I was always terrified of needing because of all the terrible side effects you hear about. The reason I'm telling you this is because my depression is literally the fuel pushing me to reach my dream.

I graduated last May (2014) and have yet to find a job in my degree field. Since graduating, I have held three jobs, none of which I have liked for more than a month at a time. I was jobless for the first month after graduation, then worked at a liquor store for about three months, then went back to Dunkin Donuts where I worked for the two previous summers, and now I'm three months into my latest job, waiting tables. I am a fairly shy, fairly socially awkward person. This is NOT my preferred type of work. Like I said, I have a degree in Communication. I would rather be sitting behind a computer screen from 9-5, Monday through Friday doing just what I'm doing right now; sitting on a social media site. I'm sure this all still seems irrelevant, but I promise it's going somewhere.

So as I was saying, right now I am waiting tables, and as much as I love the atmosphere and the majority of the people I work with, I am miserable. This is literally the hardest job to do when dealing with depression and are also socially awkward. My income is literally based on how well I interact with people. When you're suffering from depression but have to smile for a living, it's exhausting and sometimes very hard to fake. I want to find a job in my degree field, but due to my geographic location, that is proving to be ridiculously difficult. I don't want to settle just for better pay either because that's what landed me back at DD and the reason I'm now waiting tables, (yes I make more money now part time than I did nearly full time at DD.)

This is where the dream comes in. I can't find a job I want. I can't leave the job I have. I don't have a lot of money. I want to write a book on what it's like growing up transgender in New Hampshire. Now, it wasn't until 2013 that I officially connected my feelings growing up to the word transgender, but that doesn't delegitimize my experiences. I grew up never fitting in (which isn't a bad thing if it's by choice,) I never dated until college (again not a bad thing if it's by choice,) and I only had a few close friends growing up. Out of those friends, I think I only went over to two of their houses to hang out. My friends were more of the "in school" kind of friends where we would only talk between the hours of 7:30 and 2:00. Now I have a lot of close friends, and for the high school friends well, we all just talk through Facebook.

So I grew up playing baseball and softball. Five games into my freshman year of high school I got called up to be on the varsity softball team. That was what defined me for the rest of my time there up until I started doing other things with my life. I was a softball player. That's really it. Now, I am so much more, and I want to write this book 1) to get some more transgender literature out there, and 2) because I hope it'll be good enough to make me some money so I can move and start my real dream; becoming a full time transgender advocate.

Being a full time advocate isn't a wall paying career. That's where the book comes in. Right now I make videos for my YouTube channel, and that's about it, (besides managing a few Facebook groups that are barely active.) I want to travel around the U.S. and Canada and hold speaking events, maybe be part of a TED event someday. This blog is the second step after YouTube to get more transgender creativity out there. What I hope to accomplish with this blog is to get information and opinions out there as well as improve my writing skills. The timeline I have set at the moment is to at least have the book started by the end of 2015. I don't have a full timeline, but I have to start somewhere, right?