My Life Is A Hot Mess, But It's Okay. Here's Why...

It's been a while since I've updated here. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I haven't had the time or energy to get on here. My life is hectic right now! Between the constant struggle to build my personal brand, volunteering for the local Bernie Sanders campaign office, doing the photographer thing, and finding ways to make money in between all that and trying to find a steady job, there is a lot going on! The good news is, I haven't been as optimistic about my future like I am now in quite some time.

It's been three long months since I became unemployed. I've learned a lot in the time, not only about how to survive with no money, but also a lot about myself. Although I am actively looking for a full-time job, (or even part-time at this point,) I'm not someone who should be tied down. Ever.

Within the last three months, I've really reflected on my life and have come to the conclusion that I cannot stand working for people...no matter how much I've loved the majority of my past managers/supervisors. It's not them at all but the notion of not having control of the way I make a living, if that makes sense. Yes, I need a job to survive, (and to be able to get gifts for everyone for Christmas,) but what if I really don't? What if the system is just there to drag me deeper in to a hole I'll never be able to escape from? Being tied down in the past has hindered ever single one of my dreams. Why should I go back to that life just for money?

I've been heavily praised by 98% of my past supervisors/managers. I'm a damn good worker, and that's not cockiness; that's what they've all told me. Because of the consistent praise, I have honestly never been worried about losing my previous jobs. That has created a sense of stability that I've never had the balls to escape from. Steady income means the bills are getting paid, and the bills getting paid means happiness...right? Well, not exactly.

You see, what this stability created was a sense of longing and the mindset that I was doing the same thing day in and day out (probably because I was, let's be honest.) Sure, the bills were getting paid on time or even early, but I was miserable. I was prescribed antidepressants in April after my mental health had been declining over the course of prior months. I hated my job, but the day I was prescribed anti-depressants was the same day I started at The Common Man. Funny how life works out, right? I was terrified of starting a new job having had the temperament I did, and the same day, I was prescribed the miracle drug that would end my anger fueled rampages. Well, let's just say life's not that simple.

Having been on the medication for a while and being away from the toxic work environment that was Dunkin Donuts, I was really starting to see a difference in my mentality. I was happy again, however, that lasted all of two seconds as I gradually started hating my new job, (if I'm really telling you the truth.) I'm terrible with face-to-face engagement, so my failure as a server was my own damn fault for accepting that position anyway even though I applied to be a host. Anyway, my depression came back, and it came back harder than it should have for being drugged up. So, I went back to my doctor, and she increased my dosage by 100mg per day. Same thing happened on the new dosage, too; happy for a while, then downward spiral.

There's a reason I'm rehashing all this, I promise. Basically, I've been taking 300mg of bupropion (generic Wellbutrin) for over three months now (I think...?) As you all know, because I stated it at the beginning of this post, I became unemployed three months ago. Had I not been on that higher dosage at the time of my departure from The Common Man, I would have lost my shit. Again, there's a reason behind all of this. We're getting there, we are getting there...

I'm someone who believes that (almost) everything happens for a reason, not in a spiritual way, but just sort of in an optimistic kind of way. My depression got worse again, I was put on a higher dosage of antidepressants, I became unemployed, but I didn't lose my shit because I had the higher dosage. When my manger and I had collectively agreed that having me do more training would be a waste of time, I told her how maybe leaving would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. Three months later, an increase in depression and sleepless nights, plenty of financial difficulties, and an ever plentiful nagging from everyone in my life, I still wholeheartedly believe it was the best decision. My friends left, my manager left, and the place is going to hell. I would still be there, even more miserable than I was before, had we not collectively cut the cord in July. Everything happens for a reason, and that's not even the best thing to come from my departure.

As I mentioned above, I have learned a great deal about myself in the last three months. I am absolutely LOVING what I am doing right now between being an active social media manager (in terms of building my personal brand,) being a proud business owner (my freelance photography career is picking up some,) and working on my dream of writing and publishing a book. In the last three months, I have had three works published online, two of which were for FTM Magazine. One of my dreams has been to make it in to FTM Magazine one day, and that may be close to happening, as long as I can produce some great content, (or make a name for myself; whichever comes first.) I am so happy that I can't stand it, yet my mental health is still quite low. How can this be? Let's go back to that money thing for a minute...

My wife is bringing home 95% of the bacon right now. My income is coming from working online and my photography. I actually feel guilty for following my dreams because it's having a negative effect on my wife. We're both stressed about bills and how to come up with the money to pay them, but I know deep down she loves how passionate I am about my dreams. She's told me before that one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because of the amount of passion I put in to the things I love. As much as I'm self-destructive on a regular basis over the stress I'm causing, I will not let myself give up.

Ready for full honesty time? No? Too bad. Here it is: I never want to have to answer to anyone else ever again. I don't want to be on the same monotonous schedule everyday. I don't want to deal with coworkers who are assholes or idiots...or company higher-ups for that matter. I don't want to deal with the pain and agony that comes with working for someone else, making THEM money at the expense of my mental health. I JUST want to make money. HUGE difference. I can honestly say that I believe I CAN make money writing a book, speaking, being a photographer, and living my full dream of being a transgender activist. As much as I need money, I also need to be happy. I can't tell you the last time I was truly happy...I mean truly at least 98% of the time happy. It was probably before puberty. The saddest people smile the biggest, right? I was complimented on my smile constantly before true depression set in when I got to college even though I've been miserable for the majority of my life since the age of 11. It's time to get my life of a positive track!

November is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month for those who aren't up to date on acronyms. Although I am not writing a novel, rather an autobiographical memoir (confusing, I know,) I'll be using the month and the site for two main reasons: a) I need money, and selling nonfiction works. If I can get a book written by December 1, (that sells well,) I might never have to work again, if all goes better than expected. b) The site can help me track my progress which is a great motivator. The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. For me, since I'm not qualified to submit for the prize, I'm not focused on the word count but rather the time frame. The sooner the better as I really don't want to go back to working for someone else. As the guy in the Geico commercial says, "I'm a loner, and a loner's gotta be alone." I'm an independent worker, and I've gotta spread my wings and fly! Alright, all corniness aside, this makes sense, right?

Aside from that, I'm hoping to continue doing the photography thing. I'm hoping to get some speaking engagements, possibly in putting on a political rally or even planning or participating in a TDOR (Transgender Day of Remembrance) event. I'll continue working on my personal brand online. I'm going to keep volunteering for the Bernie Sanders campaign. I feel REALLY good about where my life is headed. I really do. I think I've even figured out what I want to go to graduate school for, (Political Science.)

Sometimes I catch myself thinking completely about something I love with no thoughts of our financial woes. Those moments are magical, and I just want every minute of every day to feel like that. I know I can make that happen...

World Suicide Prevention Day: We Need To Talk!

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Every September since 2012, I have marked National Suicide Prevention Month in some way. A lot of this stemmed from doing multiple presentations the year prior regarding suicide and bullying. One date that is forever lodged in my brain is September 18, 2011; the day 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer took his own life due to constant bullying at school. Whether or not I was sheltered to the teen suicide epidemic prior to this one teen's death or his death sparked the national outrage is still unknown to me. What I do know is that suicide prevention is VERY important to me and Jamey's death really pushed me over the edge in trying to combat it.

During the second half of my sophomore year of college (a handful of months after Jamey's death,) I started the campaign, End Hate: Educate! to help raise awareness of the issues of bullying and how all too often it leads to suicide. Since then, I can't tell you how many heartbreaking stories I've heard on the news, the most recent being of transgender teens Leelah Alcorn, Sam Taub, and Blake Brockington, Brockington of whom just a year prior to his death was crowned prom king, the first transgender prom king in North Carolina. 

These stories are painful and they need to stop. I created End Hate to help save children and teens, but just a few months later, something happened that made me realize that it's not just about children and teens; adults commit suicide too but it's not covered in the news nearly as often. By covering the suicides of children and teens, the media is sending a message that it's not tragic when an adult takes their own life. 

If you're an adult reading this post and you've ever considered suicide, 

I want you to know that you matter too! 

You are loved and you are important! 

Please, never give up on your life. 

It's the only one you get!

If the following statistics don't break your heart, there's something wrong...

Suicide in the United States

• Each year, 34,598 people die by suicide, an average of 94 completed suicides every day.
• More people die by suicide (34,598) than by homicide (18,361) in the United States.

Suicide Attempt and Ideation in the United States

• Every year, 864,950 people attempt suicide, which means 1 person attempts suicide every 38 seconds.
• More than 395,000 people are treated in emergency rooms every year for self-inflicted injuries.
• It is estimated that 3.7% of the U.S. population (8.3 million people) had thoughts of suicide in the past year, with 1.0% of the population (2.3 million people) developing a suicide plan and 0.5% (1 million people) attempting suicide.

Depression and Suicide

• Depression is a common mental health disorder, with the 18.8 million Americans suffering from depression every year. In addition to being common, depression is a risk factor for suicide.
• Two-thirds of people that die by suicide are depressed at the time of their death.
• Among those that have major depression, the risk of death by suicide is 20 times greater than those that are not depressed.
• Treatment for depression is very effective; however, less than 25 percent of people with depression receive adequate care.
• Unwillingness to seek help is another risk factor for suicide.

Source: Copied from Emory University

Every year nearly 900,000 attempt suicide. NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE! Just let that sink in for a minute. That's over 200,000 more people than the population of Boston, MA. That is utterly heartbreaking. The worst part is, this can be prevented!

The number one cause of suicide is untreated depression.

As someone who has suffered from depression for years, I know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless. Now, luckily for me, (although it's a win/lose kind of deal,) I've had a lifelong fear of death which has prevented having any suicidal thoughts. The reason I'm telling you this is because it's important to note that not everyone suffering from depression is suicidal, and vice versa. Only 2/3 of people who commit suicide are depressed at the time of their death. 

It's important to break down these statistics and start having discussions on mental health because only then can the issue of suicide be stopped. As stated above, less than 25% of people with depression receive adequate care. We NEED an overhaul of our mental health practices in this country as well as implement easier access to those in need. With the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, there are NO reasons why seeking help from a mental health professional shouldn't be considered preventative and covered fully under all insurance plans. If pap smears, prostate exams, and breast cancers screenings are preventative in the sense that they check for cancers, going to therapy should be preventive on the basis that it can prevent suicide. 

Aside from not being able to access care, there's strong stigma attached to mental health which is why so many people never seek treatment. So now the question is:    

How can we challenge stigma?

• learn and share the facts about mental health and illness
• get to know people with personal experiences of mental illness
• speak up in protest when friends, family, colleagues or the media display false beliefs and negative stereotypes
• offer the same support to people when they are physically or mentally unwell
• don't label or judge people with a mental illness, treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else
• don’t discriminate when it comes to participation, housing and employment
• talk openly of your own experience of mental illness. The more hidden mental illness remains, the more people continue to believe that it is shameful and needs to be concealed.

 Source: Copied from Western Australia Mental Health Commission

I am not ashamed of my depression. I am not ashamed to say that I've been in therapy. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm taking antidepressants. 

The more people that come out and talk about what dealing with a mental illness is really like, the more understanding there will be in the world. The more understanding, the less stigma, a shrinking in the number of suicides. Yes, I suffer from depression. No, that doesn't mean I can't smile, laugh, and have fun. It simply just makes it harder. For those who know me, you might think there's no way I can be depressed because of what you see online. There's a reason I tend to only post positive life statuses online. I don't want that negativity around forever. I did that enough four years ago when I first started dealing with depression, and I see it every time I look at Timehop. But what goes on behind the scenes of what is seen is really hard to deal with. I get sad for no reason, I get angry and frustrated for no reason, I lack emotion to the point where my wife is trying to be cute and cuddly, and all I'm thinking is, "not now..." I love her so much and it kills me that there are times like this that I have no control over. But I'm not just some sad sack. Depression kills because of stigma. 

Suicide prevention is so important to me. I almost lost the love of my life three years ago. She wasn't lying in her wedding vows when she said I saved her life once. It was the scariest day of my life, and it haunts me to this day. We both suffer from PTSD because of it, and it's so hard to talk about which is why I never go in to details. But just because someone isn't suicidal themselves, doesn't mean they haven't been impacted by the weight of suicide through someone else's suffering. 

I will never be able to forget that day. It was the worst day of my life and every time I write something about it, I just freeze up and have to take short breaks before I can finish writing. Prior to that day, I believe during our sophomore year of college, I gave her a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline card that she keeps in her wallet to this day. Anyone can make that one simple but lifesaving move to save someone who is suicidal. Share posts online highlighting the number. Make sure to remind those suffering with mental illness that they're not alone. Reach out and talk to anyone who needs it. 

Being transgender and having joined several online communities, people post all the time about wanting to end their lives, but we band together and make sure there is always someone available to help those guys. Transgender individuals have the highest rate of suicide out of any other group in the world at 41%. It's not because us being trans is a mental illness, but rather because of the lack of acceptance and again that same stigma that getting help makes you weak or unworthy. 

At the end of the month I will be participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk to raise money for research, education, and prevention initiatives to help shrink the heartbreaking number of people who believe there is nothing here for them. If you have the means, please consider donating to our team by clicking here. All donations are tax deductible and will really help in aiding these prevention programs.

If you or someone you love is suffering from suicidal thoughts, consider printing out the wallet card by clicking this link. It saved my wife's life and it can save many more. 

Cards can also be ordered for FREE here.

For immediate help (US,) please call 

1 (800) 273-8255

The line is open 24/7 and is available in English and Spanish

Taking A Hard Situation And Finding Some Positivity

The other day something unexpected happened. I was sat down and told that my job performance just wasn't what it needed to be and that I could either:

1. Go through training again.
2. Interview next door.
3. Leave the company

As unexpected as this was, I did know that I wasn't the best server in the world. I just don't have the confidence and personality for it (although drunk me would probably excel greatly!) I thought about my options for the last 48 hours, and decided that this could be the opportunity I've needed to get out there and start my career. However, this still puts me in a tough spot and poses the obvious question, how am I going to pay the bills while trying to find a job in my career field?

I could have gone through training again, but training isn't going to fix my anxiety and confidence issues. I could have interviewed next door, but when I really thought about it, I didn't want to be trapped again. I have a very bad habit of taking jobs purely because I need a steady income to live. Since there's steady money coming in, I just lose all ambition to look for a job that actually requires my degree. As much as I love the place, I didn't want to do that to myself again. So, with a heavy heart, I chose the third options of leaving the company.

The good news is that there are no bad feelings between me and anyone there, including management. I just wasn't cut out for serving tables, but now I don't have a job or money to pay the bills.

I panicked and went to the unemployment office to see what my options were. I was told to file for unemployment although due to the circumstances, I doubt I will be approved. None the less, I am keeping close track of everywhere I have applied for work, and I have an orientation meeting to go over everything on August 13. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Since I am expecting to be denied, I did create a GoFundMe account with a goal of $1,000 which should be enough to hold me over until I find work again. It is really hard for me to ask for help, but I swallowed my pride and set up the campaign. I am hoping there are people out there willing to help us out, because my wife can't pay the bills alone.

The most positive aspect of all of this is that it has given me time to think about what I want in like. I stopped thinking about what would help me out now (which would be to apply to any open position anywhere,) and started thinking about what would benefit me in the long run, (applying to open positions within my intended career field.) It has also motivated the crap out of me! Just in the last 48 hours I have applied to 3 positions in my intended career field, reached out to people and created a master reference list, cleaned up my online presence (which wasn't really bad,) updated my LinkedIn profile, and updated my resume. That is more than I have done to try and find a job in my entire life (in such a short amount of time.) So all in all, this could turn out to be exactly what I needed to kick myself into gear. As stressed as I am about paying the bills, I'm proud of everything I have done within the last two days. 

It's hard struggling with depression and then losing your job, but for some reason, I have been more optimistic in the last 48 hours than I have since we graduated college, and I think that says a lot about how I'm turning this into something positive (even though I'm screaming internally about how I'm going to pay all these bills...)

When A Concert Becomes More Than Just A Concert

Last night, (Saturday July 25,) my wife and I went to see Taylor Swift in Foxborough, MA. She got me the tickets for Christmas, and I had been more than excited to go ever since (best Christmas gift EVER!) I didn't really have any expectations before we got there, so I had a pretty open mind. It was my first major concert, having a sold out crowd of 60,000 at Gillette Stadium (the largest one I had been to prior was Luke Bryan.) There were a few down moments though. 

The first was that my phone died on the way down to the stadium because we had been using the GPS (it had been plugged in the whole time too, just lost more power than it was gaining.) We were a little early, so we sat in the car trying to get a charge going since it was what I had to take pictures with. It wasn't doing anything, so I looked to see if Gillette had any cell phone charging stations. The website said there were some. I was really excited about this! We decided to head to the stadium and plug it in there. Come to find out, there weren't any. There had been, but there aren't anymore. So that was a huge downer since my phone takes really good photos!

Another down moment was that our seats were so high up (and at such a steep incline) that we couldn't sit there. We both have a problem with heights, and it was terrifying! So we ended up standing the entire time on the first level, but hey no worries. There was more room for dancing. The biggest problem was the end after they set off fireworks. With a down wind, the entire stadium filled up with spoke almost instantly. We couldn't see what she was doing for almost 5 minutes, not to mention breathing it in was awful, but I guess it makes for an entertaining story right? 

The openers were Shawn Mendes, Vance Joy, and HAIM (which we have apparently been pronouncing wrong this whole time.) They were all great, but HAIM killed it! They were amazing, and I was so happy when they played my favorite song (which they recorded with Calvin Harris) Pray To God! So good! And then after they were finished killing it up there, it was Taylor's turn.

The entertainment factor alone was enough for this concert to be the best one I had ever been to. She is brilliant on stage, not to mention bringing surprise guests each night of her tour. Our surprise was MKTO performing Classic! But, between the entertainment and her sheer perfection, she decided to take a moment and get real.

Before performing Clean, she took about five minutes to just talk about life. She talked about how we have all gone through something or are going through something currently that we have fought through or are fighting through. She talked to all 60,000 of us about how much of an honor it is when fans tell her her music has helped them get through difficult times in life. She applauded those who have battled addiction but have fought and fought to not go back to whatever their addiction might have been. She knew that there were people in the crowd who may just struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, but she was proud of us because we had done it yesterday. We were there. She talked about how we've all lost someone or have had a friendship end, and we never thought we would have to say goodbye to that person, and so much more.

It was intense and it really hit home. With everything I have been going through lately, it truly is hard to get out of bed in the morning. There were tears forming while she was talking about this. Her music has helped me get through the early stages of my physical transition. The line, "cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me," from New Romantics got me through a lot. I am still trying to figure out a tattoo with or inspired by the lyrics because it means so much. Being trans, you get those bricks thrown at you constantly. 

Her concert was so much more than just a concert. In a crowd of 60,000, I felt like she was talking to me individually. Although while we're on that note, the crowd was incredible! With her specially synced bracelets given to everyone in the crowd, we felt as one entity. She even said it herself; "What makes this tour so special is that I can see each and every one of you, and if you don't think I can, you are all lit up individually, and there is nothing more magical."

She is one hell of a human being and performer, and that isn't in the least bit biased. None of this is. I've been to several other concerts, none of which the artists have been this engaged with their fans. She is honestly a decent human being, and she really cares about her fans. The concert was incredible! Say what you will about her, but she will always have my respect! 

Sometimes I'm *insert emotion here* For Absolutely No Reason...

There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...

I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)

The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until  about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.

I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")

Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.

I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.