There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...
I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)
The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.
I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")
Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.
I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.
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