It's been a while since I've updated here. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I haven't had the time or energy to get on here. My life is hectic right now! Between the constant struggle to build my personal brand, volunteering for the local Bernie Sanders campaign office, doing the photographer thing, and finding ways to make money in between all that and trying to find a steady job, there is a lot going on! The good news is, I haven't been as optimistic about my future like I am now in quite some time.
It's been three long months since I became unemployed. I've learned a lot in the time, not only about how to survive with no money, but also a lot about myself. Although I am actively looking for a full-time job, (or even part-time at this point,) I'm not someone who should be tied down. Ever.
Within the last three months, I've really reflected on my life and have come to the conclusion that I cannot stand working for people...no matter how much I've loved the majority of my past managers/supervisors. It's not them at all but the notion of not having control of the way I make a living, if that makes sense. Yes, I need a job to survive, (and to be able to get gifts for everyone for Christmas,) but what if I really don't? What if the system is just there to drag me deeper in to a hole I'll never be able to escape from? Being tied down in the past has hindered ever single one of my dreams. Why should I go back to that life just for money?
I've been heavily praised by 98% of my past supervisors/managers. I'm a damn good worker, and that's not cockiness; that's what they've all told me. Because of the consistent praise, I have honestly never been worried about losing my previous jobs. That has created a sense of stability that I've never had the balls to escape from. Steady income means the bills are getting paid, and the bills getting paid means happiness...right? Well, not exactly.
You see, what this stability created was a sense of longing and the mindset that I was doing the same thing day in and day out (probably because I was, let's be honest.) Sure, the bills were getting paid on time or even early, but I was miserable. I was prescribed antidepressants in April after my mental health had been declining over the course of prior months. I hated my job, but the day I was prescribed anti-depressants was the same day I started at The Common Man. Funny how life works out, right? I was terrified of starting a new job having had the temperament I did, and the same day, I was prescribed the miracle drug that would end my anger fueled rampages. Well, let's just say life's not that simple.
Having been on the medication for a while and being away from the toxic work environment that was Dunkin Donuts, I was really starting to see a difference in my mentality. I was happy again, however, that lasted all of two seconds as I gradually started hating my new job, (if I'm really telling you the truth.) I'm terrible with face-to-face engagement, so my failure as a server was my own damn fault for accepting that position anyway even though I applied to be a host. Anyway, my depression came back, and it came back harder than it should have for being drugged up. So, I went back to my doctor, and she increased my dosage by 100mg per day. Same thing happened on the new dosage, too; happy for a while, then downward spiral.
There's a reason I'm rehashing all this, I promise. Basically, I've been taking 300mg of bupropion (generic Wellbutrin) for over three months now (I think...?) As you all know, because I stated it at the beginning of this post, I became unemployed three months ago. Had I not been on that higher dosage at the time of my departure from The Common Man, I would have lost my shit. Again, there's a reason behind all of this. We're getting there, we are getting there...
I'm someone who believes that (almost) everything happens for a reason, not in a spiritual way, but just sort of in an optimistic kind of way. My depression got worse again, I was put on a higher dosage of antidepressants, I became unemployed, but I didn't lose my shit because I had the higher dosage. When my manger and I had collectively agreed that having me do more training would be a waste of time, I told her how maybe leaving would be the best decision I could ever make for myself. Three months later, an increase in depression and sleepless nights, plenty of financial difficulties, and an ever plentiful nagging from everyone in my life, I still wholeheartedly believe it was the best decision. My friends left, my manager left, and the place is going to hell. I would still be there, even more miserable than I was before, had we not collectively cut the cord in July. Everything happens for a reason, and that's not even the best thing to come from my departure.
As I mentioned above, I have learned a great deal about myself in the last three months. I am absolutely LOVING what I am doing right now between being an active social media manager (in terms of building my personal brand,) being a proud business owner (my freelance photography career is picking up some,) and working on my dream of writing and publishing a book. In the last three months, I have had three works published online, two of which were for FTM Magazine. One of my dreams has been to make it in to FTM Magazine one day, and that may be close to happening, as long as I can produce some great content, (or make a name for myself; whichever comes first.) I am so happy that I can't stand it, yet my mental health is still quite low. How can this be? Let's go back to that money thing for a minute...
My wife is bringing home 95% of the bacon right now. My income is coming from working online and my photography. I actually feel guilty for following my dreams because it's having a negative effect on my wife. We're both stressed about bills and how to come up with the money to pay them, but I know deep down she loves how passionate I am about my dreams. She's told me before that one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because of the amount of passion I put in to the things I love. As much as I'm self-destructive on a regular basis over the stress I'm causing, I will not let myself give up.
Ready for full honesty time? No? Too bad. Here it is: I never want to have to answer to anyone else ever again. I don't want to be on the same monotonous schedule everyday. I don't want to deal with coworkers who are assholes or idiots...or company higher-ups for that matter. I don't want to deal with the pain and agony that comes with working for someone else, making THEM money at the expense of my mental health. I JUST want to make money. HUGE difference. I can honestly say that I believe I CAN make money writing a book, speaking, being a photographer, and living my full dream of being a transgender activist. As much as I need money, I also need to be happy. I can't tell you the last time I was truly happy...I mean truly at least 98% of the time happy. It was probably before puberty. The saddest people smile the biggest, right? I was complimented on my smile constantly before true depression set in when I got to college even though I've been miserable for the majority of my life since the age of 11. It's time to get my life of a positive track!
November is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month for those who aren't up to date on acronyms. Although I am not writing a novel, rather an autobiographical memoir (confusing, I know,) I'll be using the month and the site for two main reasons: a) I need money, and selling nonfiction works. If I can get a book written by December 1, (that sells well,) I might never have to work again, if all goes better than expected. b) The site can help me track my progress which is a great motivator. The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. For me, since I'm not qualified to submit for the prize, I'm not focused on the word count but rather the time frame. The sooner the better as I really don't want to go back to working for someone else. As the guy in the Geico commercial says, "I'm a loner, and a loner's gotta be alone." I'm an independent worker, and I've gotta spread my wings and fly! Alright, all corniness aside, this makes sense, right?
Aside from that, I'm hoping to continue doing the photography thing. I'm hoping to get some speaking engagements, possibly in putting on a political rally or even planning or participating in a TDOR (Transgender Day of Remembrance) event. I'll continue working on my personal brand online. I'm going to keep volunteering for the Bernie Sanders campaign. I feel REALLY good about where my life is headed. I really do. I think I've even figured out what I want to go to graduate school for, (Political Science.)
Sometimes I catch myself thinking completely about something I love with no thoughts of our financial woes. Those moments are magical, and I just want every minute of every day to feel like that. I know I can make that happen...
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