When A Concert Becomes More Than Just A Concert

Last night, (Saturday July 25,) my wife and I went to see Taylor Swift in Foxborough, MA. She got me the tickets for Christmas, and I had been more than excited to go ever since (best Christmas gift EVER!) I didn't really have any expectations before we got there, so I had a pretty open mind. It was my first major concert, having a sold out crowd of 60,000 at Gillette Stadium (the largest one I had been to prior was Luke Bryan.) There were a few down moments though. 

The first was that my phone died on the way down to the stadium because we had been using the GPS (it had been plugged in the whole time too, just lost more power than it was gaining.) We were a little early, so we sat in the car trying to get a charge going since it was what I had to take pictures with. It wasn't doing anything, so I looked to see if Gillette had any cell phone charging stations. The website said there were some. I was really excited about this! We decided to head to the stadium and plug it in there. Come to find out, there weren't any. There had been, but there aren't anymore. So that was a huge downer since my phone takes really good photos!

Another down moment was that our seats were so high up (and at such a steep incline) that we couldn't sit there. We both have a problem with heights, and it was terrifying! So we ended up standing the entire time on the first level, but hey no worries. There was more room for dancing. The biggest problem was the end after they set off fireworks. With a down wind, the entire stadium filled up with spoke almost instantly. We couldn't see what she was doing for almost 5 minutes, not to mention breathing it in was awful, but I guess it makes for an entertaining story right? 

The openers were Shawn Mendes, Vance Joy, and HAIM (which we have apparently been pronouncing wrong this whole time.) They were all great, but HAIM killed it! They were amazing, and I was so happy when they played my favorite song (which they recorded with Calvin Harris) Pray To God! So good! And then after they were finished killing it up there, it was Taylor's turn.

The entertainment factor alone was enough for this concert to be the best one I had ever been to. She is brilliant on stage, not to mention bringing surprise guests each night of her tour. Our surprise was MKTO performing Classic! But, between the entertainment and her sheer perfection, she decided to take a moment and get real.

Before performing Clean, she took about five minutes to just talk about life. She talked about how we have all gone through something or are going through something currently that we have fought through or are fighting through. She talked to all 60,000 of us about how much of an honor it is when fans tell her her music has helped them get through difficult times in life. She applauded those who have battled addiction but have fought and fought to not go back to whatever their addiction might have been. She knew that there were people in the crowd who may just struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, but she was proud of us because we had done it yesterday. We were there. She talked about how we've all lost someone or have had a friendship end, and we never thought we would have to say goodbye to that person, and so much more.

It was intense and it really hit home. With everything I have been going through lately, it truly is hard to get out of bed in the morning. There were tears forming while she was talking about this. Her music has helped me get through the early stages of my physical transition. The line, "cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me," from New Romantics got me through a lot. I am still trying to figure out a tattoo with or inspired by the lyrics because it means so much. Being trans, you get those bricks thrown at you constantly. 

Her concert was so much more than just a concert. In a crowd of 60,000, I felt like she was talking to me individually. Although while we're on that note, the crowd was incredible! With her specially synced bracelets given to everyone in the crowd, we felt as one entity. She even said it herself; "What makes this tour so special is that I can see each and every one of you, and if you don't think I can, you are all lit up individually, and there is nothing more magical."

She is one hell of a human being and performer, and that isn't in the least bit biased. None of this is. I've been to several other concerts, none of which the artists have been this engaged with their fans. She is honestly a decent human being, and she really cares about her fans. The concert was incredible! Say what you will about her, but she will always have my respect! 

Sometimes I'm *insert emotion here* For Absolutely No Reason...

There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...

I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)

The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until  about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.

I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")

Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.

I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.