Taking A Hard Situation And Finding Some Positivity

The other day something unexpected happened. I was sat down and told that my job performance just wasn't what it needed to be and that I could either:

1. Go through training again.
2. Interview next door.
3. Leave the company

As unexpected as this was, I did know that I wasn't the best server in the world. I just don't have the confidence and personality for it (although drunk me would probably excel greatly!) I thought about my options for the last 48 hours, and decided that this could be the opportunity I've needed to get out there and start my career. However, this still puts me in a tough spot and poses the obvious question, how am I going to pay the bills while trying to find a job in my career field?

I could have gone through training again, but training isn't going to fix my anxiety and confidence issues. I could have interviewed next door, but when I really thought about it, I didn't want to be trapped again. I have a very bad habit of taking jobs purely because I need a steady income to live. Since there's steady money coming in, I just lose all ambition to look for a job that actually requires my degree. As much as I love the place, I didn't want to do that to myself again. So, with a heavy heart, I chose the third options of leaving the company.

The good news is that there are no bad feelings between me and anyone there, including management. I just wasn't cut out for serving tables, but now I don't have a job or money to pay the bills.

I panicked and went to the unemployment office to see what my options were. I was told to file for unemployment although due to the circumstances, I doubt I will be approved. None the less, I am keeping close track of everywhere I have applied for work, and I have an orientation meeting to go over everything on August 13. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Since I am expecting to be denied, I did create a GoFundMe account with a goal of $1,000 which should be enough to hold me over until I find work again. It is really hard for me to ask for help, but I swallowed my pride and set up the campaign. I am hoping there are people out there willing to help us out, because my wife can't pay the bills alone.

The most positive aspect of all of this is that it has given me time to think about what I want in like. I stopped thinking about what would help me out now (which would be to apply to any open position anywhere,) and started thinking about what would benefit me in the long run, (applying to open positions within my intended career field.) It has also motivated the crap out of me! Just in the last 48 hours I have applied to 3 positions in my intended career field, reached out to people and created a master reference list, cleaned up my online presence (which wasn't really bad,) updated my LinkedIn profile, and updated my resume. That is more than I have done to try and find a job in my entire life (in such a short amount of time.) So all in all, this could turn out to be exactly what I needed to kick myself into gear. As stressed as I am about paying the bills, I'm proud of everything I have done within the last two days. 

It's hard struggling with depression and then losing your job, but for some reason, I have been more optimistic in the last 48 hours than I have since we graduated college, and I think that says a lot about how I'm turning this into something positive (even though I'm screaming internally about how I'm going to pay all these bills...)

Thoughts On I Am Cait: Perspective From A 23 Year Old Trans Guy

This summer has given us a plethora of transgender focused television spots. From having a regular transgender character on The Fosters show his chest post top surgery, to Transparent being renewed for a third season. We have Laverne Cox killing it on Orange Is The New Black which this summer delved into some pretty hardcore material regarding Cox's character, Sophia. We've seen Big Brother's first transgender contestant, Audrey Middleton, in the show's seventeenth season! There is also the web series Brothers which just started it's second season. But then we get to the big named reality shows focused solely on transgender individuals; Becoming Us, I Am Jazz, and now I Am Cait to round out the summer of transgender television.

In a previous post, I opened up about my feelings on I Am Jazz (and subsequently Becoming Us,) and how I was hoping I Am Cait would blow them both out of the water. I watched the premiere. It did just that.

Unlike Becoming Us and I Am Jazz, I Am Cait is wholeheartedly genuine. Even though all three shows are supposedly unscripted, I Am Cait is the only one where there isn't any sense of overacting, trying to hard, or holding back feelings just for the camera's sake. When the show cuts to a seated interview with family and friends, the words are coming from the heart. With the other shows, you get a sense like they just don't want to talk about some of the topics that come up. And can we take a moment to talk about Caitlyn's mom? What a precious human being!

Esther Jenner gets mom of the year award. She is nearing 90 years old but is one of the most accepting human beings I've seen at her age. Sure she has trouble with Caitlyn's name and pronouns, but she is trying and that truly is all that matters. Her love for her child is very evident, and I think that is absolutely important to showcase in a time when transgender teens are being kicked out and abused by their parents just for being themselves. And of all people who made appearances in the first episode, Kanye was who surprised me most. We've already heard that it was Kanye who brought Kim around when Caitlyn first came out, but I was truly surprised at what he had to say. For being such a self centered narcissist in the public eye, it was truly something special to see him embrace Caitlyn for who she is. Maybe I'll start cutting the guy some slack.

If not for everything I've already mentioned, the one thing that makes this show outrank the other trans reality shows this summer is the fact that it's not all about Caitlyn. Becoming Us is all about Ben (not even Carly.) I Am Jazz is all about Jazz, (which at least is the point.) But I Am Cait took a lot of the focus off Caitlyn and put it on highlighting the astronomically high 41% suicide rate for transgender individuals, the immense amount of violence directed at transgender women of color, lack of acceptance by family and friends, etc. AND these things were mentioned more than once at that! The other two shows haven't even touched the subjects. They are 100% about ratings and money rather than dissemination of information that could actually benefit the transgender community, and that is what sets I Am Cait apart.

I am 23 years old. I never lived through the experience of having Jenner be the world's greatest athlete. So for me, this is the most important thing she has ever done. To be honest though, even if I had been alive then, I think this still would be her greatest accomplishment because she is changing lives. Sure winning a gold medal for team USA during wars times is an honorable feat and brought pride to this nation, but what did it accomplish other than that? She is accomplishing more now than she ever has before. She truly is changing lives and saving lives. Her mother even said she is more proud now than she ever has been of Caitlyn before.

Her show is raw, completely unscripted, honest, incorporates statistics and information pertaining to the transgender community, and above all, it's not for money. Caitlyn Jenner is not putting on an act just for money. She received no compensation for the Vanity Fair piece, and although I don't know the logistics of I Am Cait, I would be willing to bet she's not making this show for the money either. If you're only able to watch one show about trans folk this summer, make I Am Cait your priority. You won't regret it!

And although looks don't matter in the least, I have to say that Caitlyn is absolutely stunning in everything she's doing. You go girl!

When A Concert Becomes More Than Just A Concert

Last night, (Saturday July 25,) my wife and I went to see Taylor Swift in Foxborough, MA. She got me the tickets for Christmas, and I had been more than excited to go ever since (best Christmas gift EVER!) I didn't really have any expectations before we got there, so I had a pretty open mind. It was my first major concert, having a sold out crowd of 60,000 at Gillette Stadium (the largest one I had been to prior was Luke Bryan.) There were a few down moments though. 

The first was that my phone died on the way down to the stadium because we had been using the GPS (it had been plugged in the whole time too, just lost more power than it was gaining.) We were a little early, so we sat in the car trying to get a charge going since it was what I had to take pictures with. It wasn't doing anything, so I looked to see if Gillette had any cell phone charging stations. The website said there were some. I was really excited about this! We decided to head to the stadium and plug it in there. Come to find out, there weren't any. There had been, but there aren't anymore. So that was a huge downer since my phone takes really good photos!

Another down moment was that our seats were so high up (and at such a steep incline) that we couldn't sit there. We both have a problem with heights, and it was terrifying! So we ended up standing the entire time on the first level, but hey no worries. There was more room for dancing. The biggest problem was the end after they set off fireworks. With a down wind, the entire stadium filled up with spoke almost instantly. We couldn't see what she was doing for almost 5 minutes, not to mention breathing it in was awful, but I guess it makes for an entertaining story right? 

The openers were Shawn Mendes, Vance Joy, and HAIM (which we have apparently been pronouncing wrong this whole time.) They were all great, but HAIM killed it! They were amazing, and I was so happy when they played my favorite song (which they recorded with Calvin Harris) Pray To God! So good! And then after they were finished killing it up there, it was Taylor's turn.

The entertainment factor alone was enough for this concert to be the best one I had ever been to. She is brilliant on stage, not to mention bringing surprise guests each night of her tour. Our surprise was MKTO performing Classic! But, between the entertainment and her sheer perfection, she decided to take a moment and get real.

Before performing Clean, she took about five minutes to just talk about life. She talked about how we have all gone through something or are going through something currently that we have fought through or are fighting through. She talked to all 60,000 of us about how much of an honor it is when fans tell her her music has helped them get through difficult times in life. She applauded those who have battled addiction but have fought and fought to not go back to whatever their addiction might have been. She knew that there were people in the crowd who may just struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, but she was proud of us because we had done it yesterday. We were there. She talked about how we've all lost someone or have had a friendship end, and we never thought we would have to say goodbye to that person, and so much more.

It was intense and it really hit home. With everything I have been going through lately, it truly is hard to get out of bed in the morning. There were tears forming while she was talking about this. Her music has helped me get through the early stages of my physical transition. The line, "cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me," from New Romantics got me through a lot. I am still trying to figure out a tattoo with or inspired by the lyrics because it means so much. Being trans, you get those bricks thrown at you constantly. 

Her concert was so much more than just a concert. In a crowd of 60,000, I felt like she was talking to me individually. Although while we're on that note, the crowd was incredible! With her specially synced bracelets given to everyone in the crowd, we felt as one entity. She even said it herself; "What makes this tour so special is that I can see each and every one of you, and if you don't think I can, you are all lit up individually, and there is nothing more magical."

She is one hell of a human being and performer, and that isn't in the least bit biased. None of this is. I've been to several other concerts, none of which the artists have been this engaged with their fans. She is honestly a decent human being, and she really cares about her fans. The concert was incredible! Say what you will about her, but she will always have my respect! 

After Four Years, We Finally Have A Diagnosis

Four years ago I was 19 years old, working at a beach for the summer, and in the second stint of my relationship with my (now) wife (took three tries but we got it!) But, I was also suffering with an unexplained condition. I would get light headed very easily.

My blood pressure has always been fine, so my doctor at the time did some blood work. The results came back essentially normal, although my blood cell counts were in the lower portion of the ideal range. She said I was borderline anemic, but never gave any diagnosis. I was told to get some more protein in my diet, although I had been eating a lot of steak that summer already. Nothing seemed to change.

The following three years, I had two other doctors; the one I have now, and one woman I saw once in 2014. It was hard to settle down and talk about my issues with my docs changing yearly, so I turned to the Internet like I often do, (I still brought it up every time I saw a doctor though.) The one thing that made sense was that I had a nervous system issue. The majority of the symptoms were present, so I just assumed that was my problem. I started taking vitamin B-12 daily as it benefits the nervous system, and although it seemed to help a little, it never went away. Fast forward to about three weeks ago, and it started getting really bad and came with headaches too.

One particular Saturday at work it was so bad that I was even getting dizzy sitting down. I just wanted to go home, lay down, and close my eyes. After that day, I decided that I had had enough and that I wanted to get an appointment with someone. The problem was, I thought I may have a spine issue causing this because of other symptoms, but it turns out that wasn't the case. I do have spinal issues, but the lightheadedness and dizziness weren't connected. So, my doctor did some blood work, and today I got the results...

...my ferritin levels are very low. In other words, the simple cause of my issues is iron deficiency.

Four years it took to get diagnosed with something that simple. All I need to do now is take iron pills twice a day. Four long years of being on the verge of passing out, and a simple OTC will solve all my problems. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not a little irritated...

As I mentioned I also have spine issues. My posture is terrible and my doctor believes that is what's causing the other symptoms (which were getting bad headaches when laying on my back and getting really nauseous because of them.) So I start physical therapy August 10th. With the iron deficiency diagnosis and my starting physical therapy, I should be golden within a few months.

Now to just figure out how to deal with my chronic procrastination...(yes that's a real thing. Google it.)

Sometimes I'm *insert emotion here* For Absolutely No Reason...

There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...

I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)

The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until  about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.

I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")

Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.

I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.

I Am Jazz: Thoughts From A 23 Year Old Trans Guy

Since I Am Jazz premiered almost a week ago, I have been asked a few times what my thoughts on it are. I didn't watch it until this past Saturday (four days after the premier, we don't get TLC,) and to be honest, I wasn't all that impressed. I personally felt as though the tone of it felt very insincere and almost scripted. There were also a lot of things talked about that I just cringed at. For example, there was a ridiculous amount of talk about boys and basically how they will "never see past" the fact that she is transgender, which really bothers me.

First of all, yes teenage boys can be ridiculous, but I would be willing to bet that not every single one of them will brush her aside because of her gender identity. I myself know of plenty of high school aged kids who identify as pansexual or who generally speaking see the person rather than the gender. I think putting that type of talk on a national show regarding transgender teens can be quite damaging. Transgender people aren't barred from finding love, and teens watching that show don't need to think that they are. There are people out there who don't give a damn whether a person is transgender so long as they're a decent human being.

Now with that said, there has only been one episode. My hope is that the tone will move away from the negative aspects of being transgender and more towards how amazingly liberating it is to come out and show the world your true self, especially at her age. Her family seems great, but again it's hard to form a true opinion when everything seems so scripted. Her siblings are incredible though, no matter how scripted everything seemed; her brothers especially. My favorite part was when they said they were going to interview any guy who Jazz ended up dating. That was adorable!

If I had to give the show a rating from 1-10, I would probably give it a 6; a little better than being half way decent, but not by much. Now, am I surprised by the way it turned out? To be honest, no. I mean it is TLC, the same channel that produced the likes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and 19 Kids and Counting (which thankfully have both been cancelled!) Given everything else that's on at the moment, I would say your best bet would be to watch Becoming Us on ABC Family. It is a much more sincere show, although it does have its negatives also (although it's mostly just Suzy.) Hell, I even think Orange is the New Black portrays what it's like to be transgender slightly better than either reality show, which is sad to be honest, (although maybe not that sad since Laverne Cox is transgender herself.)

I do think I Am Jazz has potential, and I'm not discrediting it at all. I think it's very important to get stories about young transgender individuals out there regardless of how poorly they're developed (in terms of how the story comes across.) Just having her be on TV is another step in the right direction towards transgender liberation in this country. For me, I'm holding out for I Am Cait (the similar titles kind of bug me though.) I love the way Caitlyn Jenner talks about everything she's gone through and is going through. Her interview with Diane Sawyer was beautiful, and her speech at the ESPYs was just incredible and made me that much more proud to be part of the transgender community. She has the potential to be a very powerful woman in the trans* rights movement, and the best part is, she knows it. I'm holding her show to a higher standard because of that. 

Whether or not I Am Jazz gets better, I don't think it'll do much to harm, if any, to the movement if it stays at its current tone. I'll report back if my thoughts on the show change after future episodes, but as for now, I'll leave you with this:

Jazz is a strong young girl who IS making a difference. I wish her all the best with everything she does. I personally just wish some other network had picked up her show before TLC got their hands on it.

Have to Start Somewhere, Right?

For years I have been wanting to write a book. It started off simple with the hopes of writing a children's book, then grew into something much more. I've always loved writing, except for school essays, but I think even the most dedicated writer's could agree on that one. An 8-10 page paper on the functions of the central nervous system isn't the most interesting material in the world, but with that being said, everything I've ever written has helped me get to where I am today. Before college, I was never the strongest writer. To be honest, getting in to heated US history fueled comment wars on Facebook actually kicked off the start of my writing skills improving. No one wants to be in a heated debate (with great facts and knowledge) and have their comments be poorly written (because then the Internet trolls comment with the ever so predictable, "come back when you know basic grammar/how to spell!") Although while we're talking about spelling, I should tell you that it's no secret that I am not the best at it. Editing tools like Grammarly are my friends, even though I ended up having to delete the Grammarly extension from Chrome due to poor performance.

Now you're probably wondering where this blog comes in to play. Well, I have a new dream. However for those who don't know me, I should give you a little bio before I proceed. To start off, I'm Joshua, a 23 year old transgender man from New Hampshire. You can call me Josh or Joshua. It doesn't matter to me at all. I have a Bachelor's degree in Communication from Southern New Hampshire University, a beautiful, loving, and supportive wife, two just over one year old cats, a job, a roof over my head, food everyday, but I also suffer from depression. In recent months it has gotten to the point where I started taking antidepressants, something I was always terrified of needing because of all the terrible side effects you hear about. The reason I'm telling you this is because my depression is literally the fuel pushing me to reach my dream.

I graduated last May (2014) and have yet to find a job in my degree field. Since graduating, I have held three jobs, none of which I have liked for more than a month at a time. I was jobless for the first month after graduation, then worked at a liquor store for about three months, then went back to Dunkin Donuts where I worked for the two previous summers, and now I'm three months into my latest job, waiting tables. I am a fairly shy, fairly socially awkward person. This is NOT my preferred type of work. Like I said, I have a degree in Communication. I would rather be sitting behind a computer screen from 9-5, Monday through Friday doing just what I'm doing right now; sitting on a social media site. I'm sure this all still seems irrelevant, but I promise it's going somewhere.

So as I was saying, right now I am waiting tables, and as much as I love the atmosphere and the majority of the people I work with, I am miserable. This is literally the hardest job to do when dealing with depression and are also socially awkward. My income is literally based on how well I interact with people. When you're suffering from depression but have to smile for a living, it's exhausting and sometimes very hard to fake. I want to find a job in my degree field, but due to my geographic location, that is proving to be ridiculously difficult. I don't want to settle just for better pay either because that's what landed me back at DD and the reason I'm now waiting tables, (yes I make more money now part time than I did nearly full time at DD.)

This is where the dream comes in. I can't find a job I want. I can't leave the job I have. I don't have a lot of money. I want to write a book on what it's like growing up transgender in New Hampshire. Now, it wasn't until 2013 that I officially connected my feelings growing up to the word transgender, but that doesn't delegitimize my experiences. I grew up never fitting in (which isn't a bad thing if it's by choice,) I never dated until college (again not a bad thing if it's by choice,) and I only had a few close friends growing up. Out of those friends, I think I only went over to two of their houses to hang out. My friends were more of the "in school" kind of friends where we would only talk between the hours of 7:30 and 2:00. Now I have a lot of close friends, and for the high school friends well, we all just talk through Facebook.

So I grew up playing baseball and softball. Five games into my freshman year of high school I got called up to be on the varsity softball team. That was what defined me for the rest of my time there up until I started doing other things with my life. I was a softball player. That's really it. Now, I am so much more, and I want to write this book 1) to get some more transgender literature out there, and 2) because I hope it'll be good enough to make me some money so I can move and start my real dream; becoming a full time transgender advocate.

Being a full time advocate isn't a wall paying career. That's where the book comes in. Right now I make videos for my YouTube channel, and that's about it, (besides managing a few Facebook groups that are barely active.) I want to travel around the U.S. and Canada and hold speaking events, maybe be part of a TED event someday. This blog is the second step after YouTube to get more transgender creativity out there. What I hope to accomplish with this blog is to get information and opinions out there as well as improve my writing skills. The timeline I have set at the moment is to at least have the book started by the end of 2015. I don't have a full timeline, but I have to start somewhere, right?