World Suicide Prevention Day: We Need To Talk!

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Every September since 2012, I have marked National Suicide Prevention Month in some way. A lot of this stemmed from doing multiple presentations the year prior regarding suicide and bullying. One date that is forever lodged in my brain is September 18, 2011; the day 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer took his own life due to constant bullying at school. Whether or not I was sheltered to the teen suicide epidemic prior to this one teen's death or his death sparked the national outrage is still unknown to me. What I do know is that suicide prevention is VERY important to me and Jamey's death really pushed me over the edge in trying to combat it.

During the second half of my sophomore year of college (a handful of months after Jamey's death,) I started the campaign, End Hate: Educate! to help raise awareness of the issues of bullying and how all too often it leads to suicide. Since then, I can't tell you how many heartbreaking stories I've heard on the news, the most recent being of transgender teens Leelah Alcorn, Sam Taub, and Blake Brockington, Brockington of whom just a year prior to his death was crowned prom king, the first transgender prom king in North Carolina. 

These stories are painful and they need to stop. I created End Hate to help save children and teens, but just a few months later, something happened that made me realize that it's not just about children and teens; adults commit suicide too but it's not covered in the news nearly as often. By covering the suicides of children and teens, the media is sending a message that it's not tragic when an adult takes their own life. 

If you're an adult reading this post and you've ever considered suicide, 

I want you to know that you matter too! 

You are loved and you are important! 

Please, never give up on your life. 

It's the only one you get!

If the following statistics don't break your heart, there's something wrong...

Suicide in the United States

• Each year, 34,598 people die by suicide, an average of 94 completed suicides every day.
• More people die by suicide (34,598) than by homicide (18,361) in the United States.

Suicide Attempt and Ideation in the United States

• Every year, 864,950 people attempt suicide, which means 1 person attempts suicide every 38 seconds.
• More than 395,000 people are treated in emergency rooms every year for self-inflicted injuries.
• It is estimated that 3.7% of the U.S. population (8.3 million people) had thoughts of suicide in the past year, with 1.0% of the population (2.3 million people) developing a suicide plan and 0.5% (1 million people) attempting suicide.

Depression and Suicide

• Depression is a common mental health disorder, with the 18.8 million Americans suffering from depression every year. In addition to being common, depression is a risk factor for suicide.
• Two-thirds of people that die by suicide are depressed at the time of their death.
• Among those that have major depression, the risk of death by suicide is 20 times greater than those that are not depressed.
• Treatment for depression is very effective; however, less than 25 percent of people with depression receive adequate care.
• Unwillingness to seek help is another risk factor for suicide.

Source: Copied from Emory University

Every year nearly 900,000 attempt suicide. NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE! Just let that sink in for a minute. That's over 200,000 more people than the population of Boston, MA. That is utterly heartbreaking. The worst part is, this can be prevented!

The number one cause of suicide is untreated depression.

As someone who has suffered from depression for years, I know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless. Now, luckily for me, (although it's a win/lose kind of deal,) I've had a lifelong fear of death which has prevented having any suicidal thoughts. The reason I'm telling you this is because it's important to note that not everyone suffering from depression is suicidal, and vice versa. Only 2/3 of people who commit suicide are depressed at the time of their death. 

It's important to break down these statistics and start having discussions on mental health because only then can the issue of suicide be stopped. As stated above, less than 25% of people with depression receive adequate care. We NEED an overhaul of our mental health practices in this country as well as implement easier access to those in need. With the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, there are NO reasons why seeking help from a mental health professional shouldn't be considered preventative and covered fully under all insurance plans. If pap smears, prostate exams, and breast cancers screenings are preventative in the sense that they check for cancers, going to therapy should be preventive on the basis that it can prevent suicide. 

Aside from not being able to access care, there's strong stigma attached to mental health which is why so many people never seek treatment. So now the question is:    

How can we challenge stigma?

• learn and share the facts about mental health and illness
• get to know people with personal experiences of mental illness
• speak up in protest when friends, family, colleagues or the media display false beliefs and negative stereotypes
• offer the same support to people when they are physically or mentally unwell
• don't label or judge people with a mental illness, treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else
• don’t discriminate when it comes to participation, housing and employment
• talk openly of your own experience of mental illness. The more hidden mental illness remains, the more people continue to believe that it is shameful and needs to be concealed.

 Source: Copied from Western Australia Mental Health Commission

I am not ashamed of my depression. I am not ashamed to say that I've been in therapy. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm taking antidepressants. 

The more people that come out and talk about what dealing with a mental illness is really like, the more understanding there will be in the world. The more understanding, the less stigma, a shrinking in the number of suicides. Yes, I suffer from depression. No, that doesn't mean I can't smile, laugh, and have fun. It simply just makes it harder. For those who know me, you might think there's no way I can be depressed because of what you see online. There's a reason I tend to only post positive life statuses online. I don't want that negativity around forever. I did that enough four years ago when I first started dealing with depression, and I see it every time I look at Timehop. But what goes on behind the scenes of what is seen is really hard to deal with. I get sad for no reason, I get angry and frustrated for no reason, I lack emotion to the point where my wife is trying to be cute and cuddly, and all I'm thinking is, "not now..." I love her so much and it kills me that there are times like this that I have no control over. But I'm not just some sad sack. Depression kills because of stigma. 

Suicide prevention is so important to me. I almost lost the love of my life three years ago. She wasn't lying in her wedding vows when she said I saved her life once. It was the scariest day of my life, and it haunts me to this day. We both suffer from PTSD because of it, and it's so hard to talk about which is why I never go in to details. But just because someone isn't suicidal themselves, doesn't mean they haven't been impacted by the weight of suicide through someone else's suffering. 

I will never be able to forget that day. It was the worst day of my life and every time I write something about it, I just freeze up and have to take short breaks before I can finish writing. Prior to that day, I believe during our sophomore year of college, I gave her a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline card that she keeps in her wallet to this day. Anyone can make that one simple but lifesaving move to save someone who is suicidal. Share posts online highlighting the number. Make sure to remind those suffering with mental illness that they're not alone. Reach out and talk to anyone who needs it. 

Being transgender and having joined several online communities, people post all the time about wanting to end their lives, but we band together and make sure there is always someone available to help those guys. Transgender individuals have the highest rate of suicide out of any other group in the world at 41%. It's not because us being trans is a mental illness, but rather because of the lack of acceptance and again that same stigma that getting help makes you weak or unworthy. 

At the end of the month I will be participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk to raise money for research, education, and prevention initiatives to help shrink the heartbreaking number of people who believe there is nothing here for them. If you have the means, please consider donating to our team by clicking here. All donations are tax deductible and will really help in aiding these prevention programs.

If you or someone you love is suffering from suicidal thoughts, consider printing out the wallet card by clicking this link. It saved my wife's life and it can save many more. 

Cards can also be ordered for FREE here.

For immediate help (US,) please call 

1 (800) 273-8255

The line is open 24/7 and is available in English and Spanish

Positive Life Changes

Today is September 6th. It has been 40 days since I've worked for someone else. These past 5+ weeks have been quite the adventure, to say the least. I spent the first week on my honeymoon and then the next couple weeks filling out job applications. Soon after that, something happened. Something inside of me just said to calm down and take at look at the opportunity within the madness. So, I did.

For the past two weeks, I have been working part time online as an independent contractor for Rev captioning videos as well as taking on some freelance writing jobs through the site Text Broker. Due to working at home, I was able to take some time to really focus on gathering information for my book as well as concentrating on expanding my photography business. I also recently hit my one year on testosterone which meant working on my documentary as well which I have released on my YouTube channel (yes, that was a shameless plug, but check it out!) These things are what I really enjoy doing, and through doing them, not only have I felt more in control of my life, but my depression has become less crippling which has been so great.

Aside from taking control of certain aspects of my life such as these, I have also made some improvements or have taken steps to improve my overall health. I won't go into any specifics, but so far everything is going well. Just an example of one thing I'm doing is going to physical therapy regularly to hopefully end my neck and back issues that I've had for years. Working from home gives me the flexibility I need to make appointments and get stuff done.

The one downside to all of this is the pay, BUT the good news is my wife started her new job two weeks ago and her pay is more than we could have imagined. We're not sure how, but we're not complaining! Now, I do hate relying on her to pay the bills, but that is a part of marriage, and it's not like I'm making nothing. I am making something. It's just mentally and emotionally messing me up a bit, but eventually I'll be making more and we'll be back to sharing everything 50/50.

There are some drawbacks to the current situation, but overall I am 10x times happier than I was working for someone else. I set my own schedule, I have time to do the things I love, I see my wife everyday for more than five minutes at a time. and I have time to watch my favorite shows, read my favorite books, and really just relax. I think becoming unexpectedly unemployed has really become something really positive which is something I was hoping for with all of this.

When A Concert Becomes More Than Just A Concert

Last night, (Saturday July 25,) my wife and I went to see Taylor Swift in Foxborough, MA. She got me the tickets for Christmas, and I had been more than excited to go ever since (best Christmas gift EVER!) I didn't really have any expectations before we got there, so I had a pretty open mind. It was my first major concert, having a sold out crowd of 60,000 at Gillette Stadium (the largest one I had been to prior was Luke Bryan.) There were a few down moments though. 

The first was that my phone died on the way down to the stadium because we had been using the GPS (it had been plugged in the whole time too, just lost more power than it was gaining.) We were a little early, so we sat in the car trying to get a charge going since it was what I had to take pictures with. It wasn't doing anything, so I looked to see if Gillette had any cell phone charging stations. The website said there were some. I was really excited about this! We decided to head to the stadium and plug it in there. Come to find out, there weren't any. There had been, but there aren't anymore. So that was a huge downer since my phone takes really good photos!

Another down moment was that our seats were so high up (and at such a steep incline) that we couldn't sit there. We both have a problem with heights, and it was terrifying! So we ended up standing the entire time on the first level, but hey no worries. There was more room for dancing. The biggest problem was the end after they set off fireworks. With a down wind, the entire stadium filled up with spoke almost instantly. We couldn't see what she was doing for almost 5 minutes, not to mention breathing it in was awful, but I guess it makes for an entertaining story right? 

The openers were Shawn Mendes, Vance Joy, and HAIM (which we have apparently been pronouncing wrong this whole time.) They were all great, but HAIM killed it! They were amazing, and I was so happy when they played my favorite song (which they recorded with Calvin Harris) Pray To God! So good! And then after they were finished killing it up there, it was Taylor's turn.

The entertainment factor alone was enough for this concert to be the best one I had ever been to. She is brilliant on stage, not to mention bringing surprise guests each night of her tour. Our surprise was MKTO performing Classic! But, between the entertainment and her sheer perfection, she decided to take a moment and get real.

Before performing Clean, she took about five minutes to just talk about life. She talked about how we have all gone through something or are going through something currently that we have fought through or are fighting through. She talked to all 60,000 of us about how much of an honor it is when fans tell her her music has helped them get through difficult times in life. She applauded those who have battled addiction but have fought and fought to not go back to whatever their addiction might have been. She knew that there were people in the crowd who may just struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, but she was proud of us because we had done it yesterday. We were there. She talked about how we've all lost someone or have had a friendship end, and we never thought we would have to say goodbye to that person, and so much more.

It was intense and it really hit home. With everything I have been going through lately, it truly is hard to get out of bed in the morning. There were tears forming while she was talking about this. Her music has helped me get through the early stages of my physical transition. The line, "cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me," from New Romantics got me through a lot. I am still trying to figure out a tattoo with or inspired by the lyrics because it means so much. Being trans, you get those bricks thrown at you constantly. 

Her concert was so much more than just a concert. In a crowd of 60,000, I felt like she was talking to me individually. Although while we're on that note, the crowd was incredible! With her specially synced bracelets given to everyone in the crowd, we felt as one entity. She even said it herself; "What makes this tour so special is that I can see each and every one of you, and if you don't think I can, you are all lit up individually, and there is nothing more magical."

She is one hell of a human being and performer, and that isn't in the least bit biased. None of this is. I've been to several other concerts, none of which the artists have been this engaged with their fans. She is honestly a decent human being, and she really cares about her fans. The concert was incredible! Say what you will about her, but she will always have my respect! 

Sometimes I'm *insert emotion here* For Absolutely No Reason...

There are many things in this world I can explain; how to cook mac and cheese, what constitutes a strike versus a ball, how to be awesome (kidding!) But when it comes to my emotions, rarely can I explain them. Let me explain...

I wrote briefly in my first post about how I suffer from depression. It has been a pretty big problem on and off since about 2011. About four months or so ago, I was finally diagnosed and started taking steps to help conquer it. I'm on antidepressants, eating healthier (or at least doing better than I was when I got free donuts at work five days a week,) and now I'm blogging. But none of that is working anymore, (the blog just started though, so we'll see how it goes.)

The initial reason I finally talked to a medical professional regarding my mental health was because the depression got so bad that I started having violent outbursts...and mostly at work of all places. Now, they weren't violent in the sense of me physically hurting anyone, but I would throw things around, swear a lot, and generally make an ass out of myself. But I had no control, at least I didn't feel like I did. These outbursts would just come on from anger that seemed to erupt out of no where. It was scary feeling like I did; so angry and so out of control of my own emotions. The last time I had had such violent outbursts was during my sophomore year of college when happiness was scarce and I actually had a reason to be angry. This time I didn't, so I got help. The medication I was prescribed (which is Wellbutrin for anyone wondering,) worked great up until  about two weeks ago. Lately I have been feeling almost like I did before starting the medication. I was prescribed a low dose as I did let my doctor know I was pretty terrified of being on any sort of antidepressant. So with that the good news is my dosage can be increased if need be. But I'm hurting because once again, I am having a very difficult time controlling my emotions.

I get angry for absolutely no reason, and I can't handle that. Tonight I was just chopping up lettuce but felt so on edge to the point where my wife asked what was wrong and all I could say was, "oh just the usual; angry for absolutely no reason!" People think depression is a joke, going around saying things like, "I'm so depressed! I can't believe Zayn left One Direction!" And I can't lie and say I've never said I was depressed when something just upset me, (like when we got rid of fried pickles and the cinnamon ice cream at work.) The only difference now is I know what it really means to be depressed, so I try harder to stop myself from saying things like that. Society has a way of creating stupid expressions though, and they can be tough to erase from your vocabulary, (can we say "YOLO?")

Before being diagnosed with depression, I thought I was just an angry person. It was really hard for me (and still is hard really) to be an angry person. I only had one memorable angry outburst before college and that was during a softball game my freshman year of high school. I was so embarrassed that night that I'm fairly certain I just repressed anger until finally something ended up bringing it all back to the surface in college. I used to be the kid who was always smiling, never swore, and very rarely showed any emotion other than happy. I don't even know that person anymore. Part of me wishes I could be that way again; always happy and making up funny words to replace swears. But if I was truly repressing anger for three years, maybe that was never a true representation of who I was.

I am a completely different person now, and not just because my name is Josh and I have transitioned. I'm mentally not even on the same level as high school me. I'm suffering from an invisible illness that has some very visible symptoms. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about some issues, my mental state being one of them. My hope is that she can find a solution to all of this because I am sick of the sharp mood swings. It sucks for me, it sucks for my wife, and it sucks for anyone who has to interact with me. I just want to be *insert emotion here* for real reasons, whatever that emotion or reason may be.